verylittlehelps

Please insert a joke, have a laugh and pass it on

Why oh why

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racing car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

" I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the
mail?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys
it? :)

Kindest regards Billybong.
          Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails...


 

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY AND FINALLY TRUEST TRUISM OF ALL
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing !



Kindest regards Billybong.
          Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails...


 

Smart Mum





Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a girlroommate Sunita.

During the course of the meal,his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.



Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."



About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"



"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner

Love,

Kumar



Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother

Which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita,

and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.

Love,

Mom.



Lesson of the day .....

Don't Lie to Your Mother...she's any day smarter than you are. :) ;D


Kindest regards Billybong.
          Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails...


 

An old farmer got in his ute (pickup) and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door. "Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked. "Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied "He went into town." "Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"? "No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"? "He went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."  ;D



"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."



The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."



Kindest regards Billybong.
          Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails...


 

A young bloke from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester,  he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing.   They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."

"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue into  that program?"

"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.   The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.

"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.

They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read."

"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."   The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,

Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"

The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that b*****d before he talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer!! :o  ;D  ;)



Kindest regards Billybong.
          Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails...


 

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This upset Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress!

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the sacks split, and the toys fell to the ground in the snow.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had finished off the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his desperation, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritable Santa trudged to the door which he opened to find a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.  ;D  ;)

Kindest regards Billybong.
          Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails...


 

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the register
he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl
if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, 'What size
condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the
intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.' The next man in line thought
this was interesting, and like most of us,was up for a cheap thrill. When he
got up to the register he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get
condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box
of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'A few customers back was this teenage boy.
He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of
sexual contact with a live female so he thought this was his chance. When he
got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers and he did she reached over the counter,
gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
/
'Mop and bucket, Till 5'

How long does it take United Utilities to fix a burst water main?

Dunno, 30 hrs later and still waiting.

Claiming Welfare

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY

OR

WAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their last names"




     :o      
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the boots the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one of your boots 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it"

So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.



take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

Originally by Jasper


Dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Phoning Tesco online computer Assistance.

Operator: Hello' Tesco,online computer assistance; may I help you?
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Stresco don't scare me, they just stress me out.

take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

"The Dog´s Party"
The dogs they had a party
They came from near and far
And some dogs came by aeroplane
And some by motor car
They went into the lobby
And signed the visitors´ book
And each one hung his ar**h*le
Upon a separate hook
One dog was not invited
And this aroused his ire
He rushed into the meeting place
And loudly shouted, ´Fire!´
Now the dogs were so excited
They had no time to look
And each one took an ar**h*le
From off the nearest hook
It is a sad sad story
For it is very sore
To wear another´s ar**h*le
You´ve never worn before
And that is why when dogs meet
By land or sea or foam
Each sniffs the other´s ar**h*le
In hope it is its own

Poem by Matt Mc Ginn from Glasgow.

Knowledge is power,use it with common sense.

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes.........................................No
No..........................................Yes
Maybe....................................No
We need...............................I want
I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry
We need to talk...................You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead....................You better not
Do what you want...............You will pay for this later
I am not upset......................Of course, I am upset, you m****!
You're attentive tonight.........Is sex all you ever think about?


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

I am hungry..........................I am hungry
I am tired..............................I am tired
Nice dress...........................Nice cleavage!
I love you..............................Let's have sex now
I am bored...........................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?....................I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?...............I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?.......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?..........I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think your shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.


take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb  ???

Only 1 but the lightbulb has to want to change...:)

Take everyone as you find them

A bloke finds himself a job in a zoo. On his first day his instructor says "Don't worry mate if you kill anything just throw it into the lions to get rid of the evidence" He is put to work in the aquarium but unfortunately gives the fish the wrong food and they choke. Remembering his instructions he gathers up the dead fish and slings them into the lion enclosure. His next job is cleaning out the chimps cage but again he makes a blunder and kills two of them by trapping them in the cage door. Again he destroys the evidence by throwing the bodies into the lions den. His final job is to shift the bee hives but unfortunately he reverses the tractor over it and flattens it. Once again he dumps the evidence into the lions den. Next day a new lion arrives in the zoo and in put into the den to join the other lions. Being a new boy he saunters up to one of the other lions and asks "what's the grub like here?" "Not too bad" says the lion "yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees."

It's grim up north !

As you may know, East London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.
What you may not know, is that many aspects of the games have been specially altered to embrace the culture of the area.
A copy of the changes has been leaked and is reproduced below:

Opening Ceremony

The flames will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium


The Events

In previous Olympic games East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.

100 meters sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from the cage 10 meters behind the athletes.

110 Meter Hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).

Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, lump etc) The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within 3 attempts.

Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a browning automatic pistol or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.

Boxing - Entry into the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on Friday night. the husband will be given 15 pints of larger, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.

Cycling Pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fijian rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

Swimming events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be arranged.
Please note that the synchronised swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The specific musical support to this event will be supplied by "The Verve".

The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be decided.

Men's 50lm Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Stratford, especially anyone that appears to be mincing.


The Closing Ceremony

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford mental health in the community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Walthamstow Community Choir.
The flames will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham supporters.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up by the council before local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.


Latest News

Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above, but with the Pentathlon modified to include killing a spouse, digging a hole,  burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named "Calm Down" contest.

To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local are there at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games




Kindest regards Billybong.
          •   Some people are alive today; only because it's illegal to kill them.  
•   The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
   

was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money i had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those b*****ds at the Post Office.


take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

HOW TO STOP SOMEONE CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE
A woman sitting in a Sydney Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Bazza said in admiration "Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."





Kindest regards Billybong.
          •   Some people are alive today; only because it's illegal to kill them.  
•   The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
   

GOD SENT AN E-MAIL


One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check things out.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel for a second opinion."

When that angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's absolutely true. The Earth is in a ravaging decline! 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the E-mail said?
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Just wondering.......I didn't get one either. ;D

take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

Gift for the teacher
It was the nursery teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a sweet shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some sweets."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a wine outlet, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. "Is it Champagne?" she asked.

"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy."

;D HAPPIEST MAN THIS SIDE OF TESCO;D

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?' he asked.

'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl. Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. 'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for America tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to America. One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.'

The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a grin cracked his face and he replied, 'He certainly is pet. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry!'
;D


Where all think alike, no one thinks very much. Walter Lippman

Social Security :

When I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home and would have to come back later.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

A bank robber goes up to the counter and demands cash. After filling his bag, he turns to the queue of customers behind him. "Did you just see me rob this bank"? he asks. "Yes" says the first man in the queue. The bank robber shoots hims straight between the eyes.He then walks up to the couple next in line and asks the same question. "No" says the man , "but my wife did" .

take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.

Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them
forever.

Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.


Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.


Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Answer: i) no mind ii) no business


Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Answer:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
intention of driving.

Question: Why do men like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.

Tips for the ladies in year 2008


1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b**ch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - c**ktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet.  (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok.  They know me here..

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex-boyfriend!


Where all think alike, no one thinks very much. Walter Lippman

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.



The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.



Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.



The  driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.



A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.



She  steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.



"I feel terrible," !
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead  rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The  man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"



The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.



It  says..


(Are you ready for this?)


(Are you sure?)


(This is bad!)


(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)


(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)
 


(You can still delete it)


(You know you're gonna be sorry)


(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,







"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."







Einstein.

He who thinks wins, Sometimes

Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away Susie called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?" Susie replied, "No." "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."






. . . . . . . . . . I D 1 0 T

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the  Parachute Regiment   for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. 'Ah, Pierre ,' asks one, ' 'ow 'av you been doing?'

'Merde!' answers Pierre . 'I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground.'
'And zen what 'appened?' inquires his mate.

'I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said 'Jurmp!'

''And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im, I am a French paratrooper; I do not jurmp five feet. It is beneass my dignity.'

'And zen what 'appened?' asks his mate.

'Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said 'Jurmp!'

'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im , 'I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jurmp ten feet.'

'What 'appened zen?' asks his mate.

'Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said, 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm.'

'Ooooh!' said his mate. 'And did you jurmp?'

'Oui, a leetle, at ze beginning'.  ;D :o

A continuation from the thread men
GOTTA LOVE RON

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.  When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?


EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.


His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it.

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morningwith a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savingsaccount and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to thepresident's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked herhow she had been able to save so much money.? The elderly woman replied that she made bets.  The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like thatThe woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'  'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But giventhe amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at  10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.  That night, the president became very nervous about the betand spent a long time in front of the mirror examining histesticles, turning them this way and that, checking th emover again and a gain until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderlywoman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.  The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.? Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly The president was happy to oblige.  The elderly woman came closer so she could see better andasked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'  The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his headagainst the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

To al the Parents and Grandparents out there !!!!

THE TEA PARTY

When I was a toddler, someone had given me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

THE END (I hear you laughing!)

Here's a recycled one:
A blond asked a painter if he would like to paint her in the nude.
"Yes I would" he replied "But can I keep my socks on, I need somewhere to put my brushes."

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she

Little Johnny comes home from school.

'Dad I need help with some homework, my teacher asked me to write an essay about what society is'

So the dad thinks for a while and says
'Okay son, let me use this house as a comparison.
You and your baby brother are the people,
Since I'm making all the money in the house, I'm big business
Your mother takes the money off me and manages it, so she's the government
And the maid, she'd be the working class,
Go away and have a think about that and it should help you'

Johnny thanks his dad, and runs off.
Later that night he hears his little brother crying.  He goes to see him and releases that his diaper needs changing.  So he goes to his parents rooms and finds his mother asleep, he tries to wake her but she just tells him to go away, she's sleeping
He goes looking for his dad, and see him in the maids room having sex with her.

So he has to try and change his brother's diaper himself.

So a thought dawns on him, he goes to his room, finishes his homework and goes to bed.

The next day at school, Johnny is asked to read out his assignment

He gets up in front of the class and reads

'Big Business is screwing the working class,
The government is ignoring the people and doing nothing
Meanwhile the people have to deal with a load of s***'

The Snake and the Bunny

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry.. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.


I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."

scathing Sue... scathing... ;D

here's a good one.. or at least I think it is..

A Steward's Tale

A worker has problems getting his overtime hours paid properly, so he tracks down his union steward in the breakroom and explains his problem. The steward tells the worker no sweat, as it happens he's meeting with management over this very issue in ten minutes. "Perfect timing," he says. "You're just like Sheldon."

"Who?"

"Sheldon Cohen," the steward says. "There's a guy who did everything right. Like you coming to me about an overtime problem just minutes before my meeting with management on that very subject. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."

"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", responded the union member.

"Not Sheldon," said the steward. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!

"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the steward continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"Wow, incredible, no wonder you remember him!" said the worker.

"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the steward.

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the worker.

Responded the steward, "After he died, I married his wife."

There's a stuffed toy doll called "tickle me elmo"   back in 96 it was America's best selling toy. It's  based on a character from Sesame street, when you tickle his sides he chuckles and speaks a variety of phrases.

So this woman gets a job in quality control at the tickle me elmo factory.  Halfway through the first day and the foreman notices the production line is backing up. He goes to investigate and finds his new starter carefully cutting the crotch of the elmo dolls,inserting two marbles and then sowing the cut back up again. "No No!" he screams, "you mis heard me, I said you have to give each doll two test tickles"

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him.
He can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.

'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.


The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
"Bloody hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate covered me oil ?"

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over the quota on Pikeys. Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'







scroll down!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 





 
 
 
 
 
 
 


'No, the f***ing gates'.
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________

A  blonde was swerving all overthe road so bad she got pulled over by a cop. He walked round to her window and said excuse me why are you driving so bad.?  The blonde said i'm sorry but everywhere i go I see a tree in front of me.  The cop looked at her and said lady that's your air freshener.

Little boy asks dad where poo comes from?.
Dad explains food passes down the esophagus to stomache where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the ailmentry canal to extract protien before waste products descend via the colon & rectum, to emerge as "poo"

Blimey says little boy, "so what about tigger"? :D :D :D

>A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
> >room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area
> >and noticed there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she
> >touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite
> >movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
> >him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral Sex' will do the trick
> >& bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured
> >him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally
> >agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's
> >monitor flat lined no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the
> >room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure;
> >maybe she choked?

Gas man knocks on the door. A little boy answers, wearing stockings, suspenders and a leather basque. He's smoking a joint. "Is your Mother in." Asks the gas man. "Does it look like it." answers the little boy.

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."

Apparently, all over America, women are shaving their nether regions. This is a celebration of  Mr Obama's upcoming Presidency. Symbolically, they are saying No More Bush!

Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville
near an old petrol station that was closed for the
night.

They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying,

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The
younger alien became angry at the lack of response
and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You
don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed
his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off
his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess
about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained
consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and
straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at
the older, wiser alien who was standing over him
shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young,
fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you
know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly
feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's
one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can
wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick
it in his ear."

A class of primary school children were asked what they did on Christmas Day. A little protestant lad said "We when to church in the morning, in the afternoon we opened our presents and sang a carol." A catholic boy said " We went to Mass in the morning, we sang carols all afternoon and opened our pressies in the evening. When asked, a Jewish boy told the class that his father owned a toy shop and on Christmas Day he and his son went to the shop and looked at all the empty shelves, and then said the boy. "We sang, Oh what a friend we have in Jesus."  (-*-)

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:

"Good till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:

"Extra Long. King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted...

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord.

It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others... MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it..THE GUYS

 In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

Newcastle united have just rejected a dog food company as their new sponsors, they thought the name 'winalot' was taking the p**s

    Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

    A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie..'

    Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000..

    The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

    Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

    A few days la ter, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surpr ised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

    The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

    However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store..

    Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. 

    The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...








    (You're going to hate me for this ..... )






    'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!' 
    Oh, quit groaning!
    I don't write this stuff,
    I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.


     
     
     
     

With all this swine flu going round, if you get any symptoms ask your doctor for some oinkment.

<Ok, I'll get my coat>

This little piggy went to market
this little piggy stayed at home
this little piggy has roast beef
this little piggy had none
and this little piggy went cough cough snif atishooooo

 London Times Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spendmore than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-oldboy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little on her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion,his daughter, Responsibility,his son, Reason

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

http://www.hogrockcafe.com/I-Boob.jpg (http://www.hogrockcafe.com/I-Boob.jpg)

I phoned the swine flu hotline...but all I got was crackling...

----------

They said pigs would fly before a black man was made president. 100 days into Obama's presidency and swine flu

-----------

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him", he asks.  His assistant replies " He came in for cough medicine but I couldn't find any so I sold him some laxatives". "You can't treat a cough with laxatives" said the chemist. "Of course you can" replied the assistant. "Look at him now, he daren't cough now

I'm am Lobos ,i translate for win..He has english joke.

"bored on your way to work?pretend too phone a frend and talk about 2 week holidays in mexico hang up on phone and sneeze"!! haha >:D

Doing a good job is like peeing yourself in a dark suit  >:( it gives you a warm feeling but nobody else notices! ;D

Happy days
Davey 8)

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub.  Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.  He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) f***ed the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.  He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.  The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.  To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.  This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

Jacko jokes:
The rumours about jacko dying of a heart attack are untrue, he was found in the childrens ward having a stroke.

<gets coat>

 Geezer you are one sick person  >:(  >:(

 McDonald's have announced the "MJ" memorial burger it is 50 year old meat in between 12 year old buns.

due to the extensive plastic surgery michael jackson had, it has been anounced that he will not be buried, he will instead be re-cycled!

Testicle removal and the tailor
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

Did anyone hear about the Dutchman who was banned from walking his dog in Regents park (?))

He trained it to shhit!

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was £127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

I heard a customer say to the lady on the cheese counter this afternoon "I think what you do is grate"
I laughed so hard ... he was complimenting her on the way she did her job!

What a good one..

I want u, I shall seek & find you
I shall take you to bed & have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake & sweat till you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point thay you will be relieved when i'm finished
with you and you will be weak for days...







All my love Swine Flu :-*

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this story.
   
Archer-Midland Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO and he was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.  He walked up to the guy at the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
 
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make about £400 a week.  Why?'
 
The CEO then handed the guy £1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't  come back!'
 
The guy left without saying a word to the CEO.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
 
From across the room came a voice,  'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.'  ;)

a farmer gets a call from his son , dad I've just run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor but still alive what should i do , son you have to shoot it then bury it in the field , 20 mins later son rings and says done that now what do i do with his speed camera and his motor bike

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


THE SITUATION

You are in England, York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.

THE TEST

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...


Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

Black and white!

man at hotel reception desk turns round and accidently elbows a woman beside him in her t*ts. they are both startled. he says "madam, if your heart is as soft as your breast, i know you will forgive me" she replies "if your d**k is as hard as your elbow, i'm in room 214"

    2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
    motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
    stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
    them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
    bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

    He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
    now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
    "R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he
    has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to
    the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and
    he agrees.

    They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
    wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
    is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater
    Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
    driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman
    obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back
    door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for
    immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

    The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
    "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and
    the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".   ;D

girl says to paddy...."would you like a blow job?" paddy say "i don't know would it affect my dole money?"

imagine if retailers started making their own condoms and kept their own name.

Tesco condoms
every little helps

Nike condoms
just do it

Peugeot condoms
the ride of your life

kfc condoms
finger likin good

Duracell condoms
just keep going and going and going

pringle condoms
once you pop you cant stop

burger king condoms
home of the whopper

andrex condoms
soft strong and very long

McDonald's condons
I'm loving it

polo condoms
the one with the hole
OH F**K

NEWS FLASH......A MAN WHO ATTEMPTED TO SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL, WITHOUT USEING HIS ARMS OR LEGS,GAVE UP AFTER 100 MTRS, WHEN HE GOT CRAMP IN HIS EARS.. :'( :'(

A feminist visited Kabul just after the invasion and is not pleased to find that women are forced to walk 5 paces behind the men. She returned the following year and was delighted to find that the women now walked 5 paces in front of the men. She asked her interpreter why this should be. "Landmines".

my xmas tree is unwell :-(

not sure if it`s pine-flu or tinsellitus ...?

driving past a field this morning and saw a scarecrow trying to have a w**k thought to myself that silly b******ds clutching at straws

 two Glasgow nuns are driving along the road one day,when Satan appeared and jumped onto the bonnet of the car,one says, "QUICK SISTER, SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS " the other sister puts her head out the window and shouted,"F@#K OFF YA pr**k".

winter is here and our native birds are finding food scarce. please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.
there is no finer sight on a winters morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack. however remember its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow!

two rabbits are being chased across a field by a pack of foxes,one says to the other," c,Mon,we"ll flee down the nearest hole,wait a few months,then come out and surround the buggers"...the other rabbit replies," no..just keep running,I"M YOUR BROTHER".

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8] David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s*** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling
contest at St. Taffy's

British airways have stopped flying into Manchester,because of the ash cloud.Not from the volcano,Someone has just dusted Man utds trophy cabinet. :-*

ROFL! And sooo true

Excerpts from an Airline Ticket Agent
An airport ticket agency offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble! 

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 
 
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in  Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in  Massachusetts , Capetown is in  Africa '' his response -- click. 
 
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a  Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since  Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and  Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG) 
 
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see  England from  Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

 
5. An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in  Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in  Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard  Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh) 
 
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky)  called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from  Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to  Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that  Michigan was an hour ahead of  Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 
 
7. A  New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for  Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage. 
 
8.  A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to  Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to  California and then take the train to  Hawaii ?'' 
 
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from  Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'' 
 
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to  Pepsi-Cola ,  Florida .. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to  Pensacola ,  FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!'' 
 
11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to  China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to  China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to  China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'' 
 
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from  Chicago to Rhino,  New York ..''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of  New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean  Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''






Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
 
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED. 
 
I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.
Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

I guess most of you know that David & Ed Milliband are vying for leader of the Labour Party. But they've just found a long lost brother......Glenn Milliband!  8-)

Man cutting his grass accidently runs over his cat and severs its tail so they rush cat and tail over to Tesco why Tesco you ask,  Hello its the biggest retailer in the uk

why did the baker have brown fingers? He kneaded a poo

What do Rob Green & ITV HD have in common?

The ability to switch off at the crucial moment.

Steven Gerrard said after the match 'the whole team's behind Rob'.

On reflection the right place to be.

That's one spillage the Yanks won't be whining about.

Kermit was right, it ain't easy being green.

My PC's get Green virus. It won't save a thing.

What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag?


The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

Man walks into WH Smiths and says to the young girl at the counter..." Do you have the self help book, for men with very small penis'?" "I don't think it's in yet!" she replies  "Yes, that's the one!"

 ;D ;D ;D ;D ;D

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.   

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
 
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.   
 
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"  :-X :-*

A friend of mine just started his own business,

manufacturing landmines that look like prayer mats.

It's doing really well.   

 
He says Prophets are going through the roof.  >:D (-*-)

A  Newfoundland farmer named Angus had a car accident.

In court, the Eversweet Company's hot-shot solicitor was questioning Angus.

'Didn't you say to the RCMP at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine?' asked the solicitor.

Angus responded: 'Well, I'll tell you what happened. I had just loaded my favourite cow, Bessie, into the... '

'I didn't ask for any details', the solicitor interrupted. 'Just answer the question. Did you not say, at the scene of the accident, 'I'm fine!'?'

Angus said, 'Well, I had just got Bessie into the trailer and I was driving down the road.... '

The solicitor interrupted again and said, 'Your Honour, I am trying to establish the fact that, at the scene of the accident, this man told the police on the scene that he was fine.
Now several weeks after the accident, he is trying to sue my client.
I believe he is a fraud.
Please tell him to simply answer the question. '

By this time, the Judge was fairly interested in Angus' answer and said to the solicitor: 'I'd like to hear what he has to say about his favourite cow, Bessie'.

Angus thanked the Judge and proceeded. 'Well as I was saying, I had just loaded Bessie, my favourite cow, into the trailer and was driving her down the road when this huge Eversweet truck and trailer came through a stop sign and hit my trailer right in the side.
I was thrown into one ditch and Bessie was thrown into the other.
I was hurt, very bad like, and didn't want to move.
However, I could hear old Bessie moaning and groaning.
I knew she was in terrible pain just by her groans.
Shortly after the accident, a policeman on a motorbike turned up. He could hear Bessie moaning and groaning so he went over to her.
After he looked at her, and saw her condition, he took out his gun and shot her between the eyes. :'(

Then the policeman came across the road, gun still in hand, looked at
me, and said, 'How are you feeling?'

'Now what the heck would you say?' >:D :)

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.
St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying  'I've got 40
travellers here.  Can I let them in?'

God says  'We are over quota on Pikeys.  Go back to the gates and tell them
to choose between them which are the 12 most worthy and I will let a dozen
in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.  'They've
gone',  he tells God.

'What?'  says God,  'All 40 of them?'

'No, the gates'. ;D

Polish chap goes for an eye test. The optician shows him a chart, with the letters C Z W I X N O S T A C Z. "Can you read this?" he says "Read it, I know him!"

not really a joke but VERY funny


All hair removal methods have tricked women with their promises of easy, painless removal - The Epilady, scissors, razors, Nair and now...the wax. Read on.........

My night began as any other normal weeknight. Come home, fix
dinner, play with the kids. I then had the thought that would ring painfully in my mind for the next few hours: 'Maybe I should pull the waxing kit out of the medicine cabinet.'

So I headed to the site of my demise: the bathroom. It was one of those 'cold wax' kits. No melting a clump of hot wax, you just rub the strips together in your hand, they get warm and you peel them apart and press them to your leg (or wherever else) and you pull the hair right off.

No muss, no fuss. How hard can it be? I mean, I'm not a genius, but I am mechanically inclined enough to figure this out. (YA THINK!?!)

So I pull one of the thin strips out. Its two strips facing each other stuck together. Instead of rubbing them together, my genius kicks in so I get out the hair dryer and heat it to 1000 degrees. ('Cold wax,' yeah...right!) I lay the strip across my thigh. Hold the skin around it tight and pull. It works!

OK, so it wasn't the best feeling, but it wasn't too bad. I can do this! Hair removal no longer eludes me!

I am She-rah, fighter of all wayward body hair and maker of smooth skin extraordinaire.

With my next wax strip I move north. After checking on the kids, I sneak back into the bathroom, for the ultimate hair fighting championship. I drop my panties and place one foot on the toilet.

Using the same procedure, I apply the wax strip across the right side of my bikini line, covering the right half of my hoo-ha and stretching down to the inside of my butt cheek (it was a long strip) I inhale deeply and brace myself....RRRRIIIPPP!!!!

I'm blind!!! Blinded from pain!!!!....OH MY GAWD!!!!!!!!!

Vision returning, I notice that I've only managed to pull off half the strip. c**p! Another deep breath and RIPP! Everything is spinning and spotted.

I think I may pass out...must stay conscious...must stay conscious. Do I hear crashing drums??? Breathe, breathe...OK, back to normal.

I want to see my trophy - a wax covered strip, the one that has caused me so much pain, with my hairy pelt sticking to it. I want to revel in the glory that is my triumph over body hair. I hold up the strip!

There's no hair on it.

Where is the hair??? WHERE IS THE WAX???

Slowly I ease my head down, foot still perched on the toilet. I see the hair. The hair that should be on the strip...it's not! I touch. I am touching wax.

I run my fingers over the most sensitive part of my body, which is now covered in cold wax and matted hair. Then I make the next BIG
mistake...remember my foot is still propped upon the toilet? I know I need to do something. So I put my foot down.

Sealed shut! My butt is sealed shut. Sealed shut!

I penguin walk around the bathroom trying to figure out what to do and think to myself 'Please don't let me get the urge to poop.

My head may pop off!' What can I do to melt the wax?

Hot water!! Hot water melts wax!! I'll run the hottest water I can stand, into the bathtub, get in, immerse the wax-covered bits and the wax should melt and I can gently wipe it off, right???

*WRONG!!!!!!!*

I get in the tub - the water is slightly hotter than that used to
torture prisoners of war or sterilize surgical equipment - I sit.

Now, the only thing worse than having your nether regions glued together, is having them glued together and then glued to the bottom of the tub....in scalding hot water. Which, by the way, doesn't melt cold wax.

So, now I'm stuck to the bottom of the tub as though I had cemented myself to the porcelain!! God bless the man who had convinced me a few months ago to have a phone put in the bathroom!!!!!

I call my friend, thinking surely she has waxed before and has some secret of how to get me undone. It's a very good conversation starter. 'So, my butt and hoo-ha are glued together to the bottom of the tub!'

There is a slight pause. She doesn't know any secret tricks for removal but she does try to hide her laughter from me.

She wants to know exactly where the wax is located,'Are we talking cheeks or hole or hoo-ha?'

She's laughing out loud by now...I can hear her. I give her the rundown and she suggests I call the number on the side of the box.

YEAH!!!!! Right!! I should be the joke of someone else's night.

While we go through various solutions. I resort to trying to scrape the wax off with a razor ... Nothing feels better than to have your girlie goodies covered in hot wax, glued shut, stuck to the tub in super hot water and then dry-shaving the sticky wax off!! By now the brain is not working, dignity has taken a major hike and I'm pretty sure I'm going to need post-Traumatic Stress counseling for this event.

My friend is still talking with me when I finally see my saving
grace....the lotion they give you to remove the excess wax.

What do I really have to lose at this point? I rub some on and OH MY GOD!!!!!!! The scream probably woke the kids and scared the dickens out of my friend. It's sooo painful, but I really don't care. 'IT WORKS!!

It works !!' I get a hearty congratulation from my friend and she hangs up. I successfully remove the remainder of the wax and then notice to my grief and despair....THE HAIR IS STILL THERE.......ALL OF IT! So I recklessly shave it off. Heck, I'm numb by now. Nothing hurts. I could have amputated my own leg at this point.

Next week I'm going to try hair color......

 :D methinks you will have to wait till it grows back before you will be able to colour it Anne.  (-*-) (-*-)

Brilliant, Anne! :)

Best laugh for a long time  ;D  ;D

Cookies by Douglas Adams (author: "Hitchhiker's Guide to the Galaxy")

This actually did happen to a real person, and the real person was me. I had gone to catch a train. This was April 1976, in Cambridge, U.K. I was a bit early for the train. I'd gotten the time of the train wrong.

I went to get myself a newspaper to do the crossword, and a cup of coffee and a packet of cookies. I went and sat at a table.

I want you to picture the scene. It's very important that you get this very clear in your mind.

Here's the table, newspaper, cup of coffee, packet of cookies. There's a guy sitting opposite me, perfectly ordinary-looking guy wearing a business suit, carrying a briefcase.

It didn't look like he was going to do anything weird. What he did was this: he suddenly leaned across, picked up the packet of cookies, tore it open, took one out, and ate it.

Now this, I have to say, is the sort of thing the British are very bad at dealing with. There's nothing in our background, upbringing, or education that teaches you how to deal with someone who in broad daylight has just stolen your cookies.

You know what would happen if this had been South Central Los Angeles. There would have very quickly been gunfire, helicopters coming in, CNN, you know. . . But in the end, I did what any red-blooded Englishman would do: I ignored it. And I stared at the newspaper, took a sip of coffee, tried to do a clue in the newspaper, couldn't do anything, and thought, what am I going to do?

In the end I thought, nothing for it, I'll just have to go for it, and I tried very hard not to notice the fact that the packet was already mysteriously opened. I took out a cookie for myself. I thought, that settled him. But it hadn't because a moment or two later he did it again. He took another cookie.

Having not mentioned it the first time, it was somehow even harder to raise the subject the second time around. "Excuse me, I couldn't help but notice . . ." I mean, it doesn't really work.

We went through the whole packet like this. When I say the whole packet, I mean there were only about eight cookies, but it felt like a lifetime. He took one, I took one, he took one, I took one. Finally, when we got to the end, he stood up and walked away.

Well, we exchanged meaningful looks, then he walked away, and I breathed a sigh of relief and sat back. A moment or two later the train was coming in, so I tossed back the rest of my coffee, stood up, picked up the newspaper, and underneath the newspaper were my cookies.

The thing I like particularly about this story is the sensation that somewhere in England there has been wandering around for the last quarter-century a perfectly ordinary guy who's had the same exact story, only he doesn't have the punch line.

(Excerpted from "The Salmon of Doubt: Hitchhiking the Galaxy One Last Time" by Douglas Adams)

Eye halve a spelling chequer
It came with my pea sea
It plainly marques four my revue
Miss steaks eye kin knot sea.

Eye strike a key and type a word
And weight four it two say
Weather eye am wrong oar write
It shows me strait a weigh.
As soon as a mist ache is maid
It nose bee fore two long
And eye can put the error rite
Its rare lea ever wrong.

Eye have run this poem threw it
I am shore your pleased two no
Its letter perfect awl the weigh
My chequer tolled me sew.

A bloke was stopped by the police at midnight and asked where he was going.

"I'm on the way to listen to a lecture about the effects of alcohol and drug abuse on the human body." Said the bloke.

The policeman asked, "Really? And who's going to give a lecture at this time of night?"

"The wife". He responded.

It's quite strange that they announced the death of Osama today.

They don't normally do the Bins on Bank Holidays...

A lady walks into Harrods. She looks around, spots a beautiful diamond bracelet and walks over to inspect it.. As she bends over to look more closely, she unexpectedly farts. Very embarrassed, she looks around nervously to see if anyone noticed her little woops and prays that a sales person was not anywhere near.

As she turns around, her worst nightmare materialises in the form of a salesman standing right behind her - Good looking as well cool as a cucumber, he displays all of the qualities one would expect of a professional in a store like Harrods.

He politely greets the lady with, 'Good day, Madam. How may we help you today?

Blushing and uncomfortable, but still hoping that the salesman somehow missed her little 'incident', she asks, 'what is the price of this lovely bracelet?'

He answers, "Madam - if you farted just looking at it - you're going to s*** yourself when I tell you the price!"

Every day, a small ant arrived at work very early, starting work immediately.

She produced a lot, and was happy.

The Chief, a lion, was surprised to see that the ant was working without supervision.

He thought: if the ant can produce so much without supervision, wouldn't she produce even more if she had a supervisor?

So he recruited a cockroach who had extensive experience as supervisor and who was famous for writing excellent reports.

The cockroach's first decision was to set up a clocking-in attendance system.

He also needed a secretary to help him write and type his reports and...

... he recruited a spider, who managed the archives and monitored all phone calls.

The lion was delighted with the cockroach's reports and asked him to produce graphs to describe production rates and to analyse trends, so that he could use them for presentations at Board meetings.

So the cockroach had to buy a new computer and a laser printer and...

... recruited a fly to manage the IT department.

The ant, who had once been so productive and relaxed, hated this new plethora of paperwork and meetings which used up most of her time.

The lion came to the conclusion that it was high time to nominate a person to be in charge of the department where the ant worked.

The position was given to the cicada, whose first decision was to buy a carpet and an ergonomic chair for his office.

The new person in charge, the cicada, also needed a computer and a personal assistant, who he brought from his previous department, to help him prepare a Work and Budget Control Strategic Optimisation Plan.

The department had now become a sad place, where nobody laughed.

It was at that time that the cicada convinced the lion of the need to undertake a thorough review.

So he recruited the owl, a prestigious and renowned consultant, to carry out an audit and suggest solutions.

The owl spent three months in the department and came up with an enormous report, in several volumes, that concluded the department is overstaffed.

Guess who the lion fired first?

The ant, of course, because she "showed lack of motivation and had a negative attitude".

A little boy got on the bus, sat next to a man reading a book, and noticed he had his collar on backwards. The little boy asked why he wore his collar backwards. The man, who was a priest, said, 'I am a Father..' ... ... The little boy replied, 'My Daddy doesn't wear his collar like that.' The priest looked up from his book and answered, ''I am the Father of many! The boy said, ''My Dad has 4 boys, 4 girls and two grandchildren and he doesn't wear his collar that way! The priest, getting impatient, said. 'I am the Father of hundreds', and went back to reading his book. The little boy sat quietly thinking for a while, then leaned over and said, "Maybe you should wear a condom, and put your pants on backwards instead of your collar

Thank you Anne I needed a laugh  ;D and that one did the trick  8)

 :-*

http://www.rinkworks.com/said/warnings.shtml (http://www.rinkworks.com/said/warnings.shtml)

Warning !

There's a charity event tomorrow for people who find it hard to reach orgasm, don't worry if you cant come :P

Paul McCartney is already upset with his new wife, apparently she is spending twice as much on shoes as his last one.

haha  :D

Tetley say that the best way to make a cup of tea is to aggitate the bag... So I slapped her on the arse and said "milk and sugar, fatty"

A  man wakes up in the hospital, bandaged from head to foot.

The  doctor comes in and says, "Ah, I see you've regained  consciousness.

Now, you probably won't remember, but you were in  a pile-up on the motorway.     You're  going to be okay , you'll walk again and everything,  but...

Something happened.  I'm trying to break this  gently, but the fact is, your willy was  chopped off in the wreck and we were unable to find it."

The man  groans, but the doctor goes on, "You've got £9,000 in insurance  compensation coming and we have the technology now to build you a new willy that will work as well as your old one did - better in fact, but the thing is, it doesn't come cheap.  It's £1,000 an inch."

The man perks up at this. "So," the doctor  says, "It's for you to decide how many inches you want.  But it's something you'd better discuss with your wife. I mean, if you  had a five inch one  before, and you decide to go for a nine incher, she might be a bit put  out. But if you had a  nine inch one before, and you decide only to invest in a five incher  this time, she might be disappointed.  So, it's important that she plays a role in helping you make the  decision."

The man agrees to talk with his wife.

The  doctor comes back the next day. "So," says the doctor, "have you spoken with your wife?"

"I have," says the man.

"And what is the  decision?" asks the doctor.

"We're having  granite worktops."   

Consideration

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes
harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they
were younger. When you notice this, try not to yell at them. Some are
oversensitive, and there's nothing worse than an oversensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife,
Carol Anne. When I retired a few years ago, it became necessary for Carol
Anne to get a full-time job, along with her part-time job, both for extra
income and for the health benefits that we needed. Shortly after she
started working, I  noticed she was beginning to show her age. I usually
get home from the golf club about the same time she gets home from work.

Although she knows how hungry I am, she almost always says she has to rest
for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't yell at her.
Instead, I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner
on the table. I generally have lunch in the Men's Grill at the club, so
eating out is not reasonable. I'm ready for some home-cooked grub when I
hit that door. She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating.
But now it's not unusual for them to sit on the table for several hours
after dinner.

I do what I can by diplomatically reminding  her several times each evening
that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it
does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of aging is complaining, I think. For example, she will say
that it is difficult for her to find time to pay the monthly bills during
her lunch hour.. But, Boys, we take 'em for better or worse, so I just
smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two,
or even three days. That way, she won't have to rush so much. I also remind
her that missing lunch completely now and then wouldn't hurt her any (if
you know what I mean).. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When  doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods.
She had to take a break when she was only half-finished mowing the yard. I
try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to fix herself a nice,
big, cold glass of freshly squeezed lemonade and just sit for a while.
And, as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for
me, too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Carol Anne.
I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will
find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than
I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, Guys, even if
you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your aging wife
because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well
worthwhile. After all, we  are put on this earth to help each other.

NOTE:
Ron died suddenly on January 31 of a perforated rectum. The police report
says he was found with a Calloway extra-long 50-inch Big Bertha Driver II
golf club jammed up his rear end, with barely 5 inches of grip showing,
and a sledge hammer laying nearby. His wife Carol Anne was arrested and
charged with murder. The all-woman jury took only 10 minutes to find her
Not Guilty, accepting her defence that Ron, somehow without looking,
accidentally sat down on his golf club.

 DUCK JOKE FOR THE DAY


A woman brought a very limp duck to the veterinarian's office. As she
lay her pet on the table, the vet pulled out his stethoscope and
listened to the bird's chest. After a moment or two, the vet shook his
head sadly and said, "I'm so sorry, your pet duck Cuddles has passed
away."

The distressed owner wailed, "Are you sure?"

"Yes, I am sure. The duck is dead," he replied.

"How can you be so sure," she protested. "I mean, you haven't done any
testing on him or anything. He might just be in a coma or something."

The vet rolled his eyes, turned around and left the room, and returned
a few moments later with a black Labrador Retriever.

As the duck's owner looked on in amazement, the dog stood on his hind
legs, put his front paws on the examination table and sniffed the duck
from top to bottom. He then looked at the vet with sad eyes and shook
his head.

The vet patted the lab and led it out of the exam room. He returned a
few moments later with a cat.

The cat jumped up on the table and also sniffed delicately at the bird
from head to foot. The cat sat back on its haunches, shook its head,
meowed softly and strolled out of the room.

The vet looked at the woman and said, "I'm sorry, but as I said, this
is most definitely, 100% certifiably, a dead duck."

Then the vet turned to his computer terminal, hit a few keys and
produced a bill, which he handed to the woman.

The duck's owner, still in shock, took the bill. She screamed, "
£150.00!" " £150 just to tell me my duck is dead!"

The vet shrugged. "I'm sorry. If you'd taken my word for it, the bill
would have been  £20, but with the LAB Report and the CAT Scan, it's
now  £150.00."

More than one quack in the room  :D

Aylesbury well for you to say, Nomad, were you been pekin? Mind you, eider down the same thing had I thought of it first   ;)

Just to warn people not to join the new Tesco dating website ... my mate at work did and he's ended up with a bag for life.

One day, a mum was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage-S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She showed it to her husband.

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

The dad looked at her and said, "Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"

I used to know a constipated mathematician who didn't own a calculator, he worked things out with a pencil. ;D

Bad news for Aston Villa in the African nations cup, Emile Heskey isn't African

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using a sheep's bladder.However,in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first

 ;D  ;D Your names not Anne Robinson, is it   :o

 ;)

The English didn't plan it like that they took them out of the sheep to make them smaller.  :D :D :D :D :D

Are you saying English men are less well endowed? My (limited) eperience tells me different.  :D ;)

Someone's been taking the Minnie then?

 :D

The Strolling Rones.

Actually snub nosed monkey, should have gone to spec savers.


[attachment deleted by admin]

Seeing as Welsh and sheep are being discussed, this made me laugh the other day ;D

Shipwrecked

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.  After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.  One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance..

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Ann Widdecombe. That evening, the man brought Ann to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Ann and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Ann batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'could you take the dog for a walk?'

" I am treated with respect "

:D   ;D





:-X

Tesco is a great company to work for with the majority of its workforce happy and content in their roles.

Helping hands.

Here's a "Heads-Up" for anyone who may be a regular Tesco customer.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies for home can turn out to be quite traumatic.

*Don't be naive and think it can't happen to you*.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car while you are packing your shopping in the Boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start making love to each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and (well you probably know the rest), while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen January 24th, 27th, 28th and 30th, February 1st and twice on the 3rd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

Seen this and all I could think about was Tesco..   ;D ;D ;D ;D

Two Monkeys Were Paid Unequally: Excerpt from Frans de Waal's TED Talk (http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=meiU6TxysCg#ws)

Outstanding  :)

Just started my Options training

http://imgur.com/zcNRc5D (http://imgur.com/zcNRc5D)

Probably  NSFW and a little gritty but it gave me a giggle, and reminded me of he Tesco everyday brand.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/business/supermarkets-openly-targeting-tight-b*****ds-2014070988412 (http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/business/supermarkets-openly-targeting-tight-b*****ds-2014070988412)

cant wait to get into work.  its like home from home

Nice one @wheelspin  ;D

New Joke
(not mine--from the comedian Tim Vine taken from his televised special Punslinger pre exit of Philip Clarke--typed from memory)

Quote
I went to my local river and I saw the Chief Executive of Tesco in the water splashing and shouting for help.

So I threw in a cork.

Every little helps!

So the man was officially a joke before he left....

Finally, we have come through some difficult months and I know we have some steep challenges ahead, but I am really proud of the team spirit and determination that I have seen from colleagues over the Christmas period and I hope that we can continue to build on this momentum as we move forward. As we face into the difficult decisions we have been forced to make, you have my commitment that we will always be very open and respectful with you.

Thank you for your ongoing commitment and support,

Dastardly Dave

Statement made 8th January 2015 - similar to many other statements made to employees since taking the helm.

Nice one Loki. It's like a mugger saying please and thank you.

Give it a couple of weeks and let's see what the team spirit is like. The snake oil salesmans  game will soon be up in my opinion. :) :)

Latest hot news - Smile and Chat has been re-named Grin and Bear it.  :thumbup:

Greece has stopped all production of Hummus & Taramasalata with immediate effect. A government spokesman said ' We are very concerned it might turn into a double dip recession'.

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish b*****d that did this to you? I demand to know!
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account."
He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him
"You'll try again"

 :D :D :D :D

I asked my dad for a cowboy outfit for my birthday............So he bought me Tesco.

 ;D ;D ;D



John hairnet: 'I have a mandate'

Here is a good joke well it made me laugh, PM came and made a token effort with rumble once and came across a squash as in the vegetable form that someone had dumped in the household section, picks it up and says with a confused look "what is this vile looking thing" I replied "It is a squash" pm "Well there is no need to be cocky it is clearly not a bottle of juice is it" and she walked off in a mood. Glad to see someone who says she wants to be at least a store manager within the next few years is so enlightened on the products we sell.

Our Store Manager is Dyslexic and last week he went to a toga party dressed as a goat. :-X :-X :-X

What do you call a group of Tesco managers standing together in a field ?


A thicket.

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake.. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures.
"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that"? She replies,"
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!