Joke Thread

[Faceandgo]

A Mother had 3 virgin daughters and they were all getting married within a short time period. Because Mom was a bit worried about how their sex life would get started, she made them all promise to send a postcard from the honeymoon with a few words on how marital sex felt.

The first girl sent a card from Hawaii two days after the wedding. The card said nothing but "Nescafe". Mom was puzzled at first, but then went to the kitchen and got out the Nescafe jar. It said:

"Good till the last drop".

Mom blushed, but was pleased for her daughter.

The second girl sent the card from Vermont a week after the wedding, and the card read: "Benson & Hedges". Mom now knew to go straight to her husband's cigarettes, and she read from the Benson & Hedges pack:

"Extra Long. King Size".

She was again slightly embarrassed but still happy for her daughter.

The third girl left for her honeymoon in the Caribbean. Mom waited for a week, nothing. Another week went by and still nothing. Then after a whole month, a card finally arrived.

Written on it with shaky handwriting were the words "British Airways". Mom took out her latest Harper's Bazaar magazine, flipped through the pages fearing the worst, and finally found the ad for BA. The ad said:

"Three times a day, seven days a week, both ways."

Mom fainted...

[Faceandgo]

One day, while a woodcutter was cutting a branch of a tree above a river, his axe fell into the river.

When he cried out, the Lord appeared and asked, "Why are you crying?"

The woodcutter replied that his axe has fallen into water, and he needed the axe to make his living.

The Lord went down in the water and reappeared with a golden axe.

"Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

The woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord again went down and came up with a silver axe."Is this your axe?" the Lord asked.

Again, the woodcutter replied, "No."

The Lord went down again and came up with an iron axe. "Is this your axe?"the Lord asked.

"Yes", he replied.

The Lord was pleased with the man's honesty and gave him all three axes to keep, and the woodcutter went home happy.

Some time later the woodcutter was walking with his wife along the riverbank, and his wife fell into the river. When he cried out, the Lord again appeared and asked him, "Why are you crying?"

"Oh Lord, my wife has fallen into the water!"

The Lord went down into the water and came up with Angelina Jolie.

"Is this your wife?" the Lord asked.

"Yes," cried the woodcutter.

The Lord was furious. "You lied! That is an untruth!"

The woodcutter fell to his knees and cried, "Oh, forgive me, Lord.

It is a misunderstanding. You see, if I had said 'no' to Angelina Jolie, You would have come up with Catherine Zeta-Jones. Then if I also said 'no'to her, you would have come up with my wife. Had I then said 'yes,' you would have given me all three. Lord, I am a poor man, and am not able to take care of all three wives, and I love my wife such that I don't want her to share me with anyone, so THAT'S why I said yes to Angelina Jolie."

The moral of this story is:

Whenever a man lies, it is for a good and honourable reason, and for the benefit of others... MOSTLY his wife!

That's our story, and we're sticking to it..THE GUYS

[The Mrs]

 In the hospital the relatives gathered in the waiting room, where their family member lay gravely ill. Finally, the doctor came in looking tired and sombre.

'I'm afraid I'm the bearer of bad news,' he said as he surveyed the worried faces. 'The only hope left for your loved one at this time is a brain transplant. It's an experimental procedure, very risky but it is the only hope. Insurance will cover the procedure, but you will have to pay for the brain yourselves.'

The family members sat silent as they absorbed the news. After a great length of time, someone asked, 'Well, how much does a brain cost?'

The doctor quickly responded, '$5,000 for a male brain, and $200 for a female brain.'

The moment turned awkward. Men in the room tried not to smile, avoiding eye contact with the women, but some actually smirked. A man unable to control his curiosity, blurted out the question everyone wanted to ask,

'Why is the male brain so much more?'

The doctor smiled at the childish innocence and explained to the entire group, 'It's just standard pricing procedure. We have to mark down the price of the female brains, because they've actually been used.'

[tinner]

Newcastle united have just rejected a dog food company as their new sponsors, they thought the name 'winalot' was taking the p**s

[Jaycloth]

    Tired of constantly being broke & stuck in an unhappy marriage, a young husband decided to solve both problems by taking out a large insurance policy on his wife with himself as the beneficiary, and then arranging to have her killed.

    A 'friend of a friend' put him in touch with a nefarious dark-side underworld figure who went by the name of 'Artie..'

    Artie then explained to the husband that his going price for snuffing out a spouse was £5,000..

    The husband said he was willing to pay that amount, but that he wouldn't have any cash on hand until he could collect his wife's insurance money.

    Artie insisted on being paid at least something up front, so the man opened his wallet, displaying the single £1 Coin that rested inside.  Artie sighed, rolled his eyes, & reluctantly agreed to accept the £1 as down payment for the dirty deed.

    A few days la ter, Artie followed the man's wife to the local Tesco Super Store. There, he surpr ised her in the produce department & proceeded to strangle her with his gloved hands & as the poor unsuspecting woman drew her last breath & slumped to the floor........

    The manager of the produce department stumbled unexpectedly onto the murder scene. Unwilling to leave any living witnesses behind, ol' Artie had no choice but to strangle the produce manager as well.

    However, unknown to Artie, the entire proceedings were captured by the hidden security cameras & observed by the store's security guard, who immediately called the police. Artie was caught & arrested before he could even leave the store..

    Under intense questioning at the police station, Artie revealed the whole sordid plan, including his unusual financial arrangements with the hapless husband who was also quickly arrested. 

    The next day in the newspaper, the headline declared ...








    (You're going to hate me for this ..... )






    'ARTIE CHOKES 2 for £1.00 AT TESCO!' 
    Oh, quit groaning!
    I don't write this stuff,
    I receive it from my warped friends and then send it on to you.


     
     
     
     

[Geezer100]

With all this swine flu going round, if you get any symptoms ask your doctor for some oinkment.

<Ok, I'll get my coat>

[tinner]

This little piggy went to market
this little piggy stayed at home
this little piggy has roast beef
this little piggy had none
and this little piggy went cough cough snif atishooooo

[Faceandgo]

 London Times Obituary
Today we mourn the passing of a beloved old friend, Common Sense, who has been with us for many years. No one knows for sure how old he was, since his birth records were long ago lost in bureaucratic red tape. He will be remembered as having cultivated such valuable lessons as:

Knowing when to come in out of the rain; why the early bird gets the worm; Life isn't always fair; and maybe it was my fault.

Common Sense lived by simple, sound financial policies (don't spendmore than you can earn) and reliable strategies (adults, not children,are in charge).

His health began to deteriorate rapidly when well-intentioned but overbearing regulations were set in place. Reports of a 6-year-oldboy charged with sexual harassment for kissing a classmate; teens suspended from school for using mouthwash after lunch; and a teacher fired for reprimanding an unruly student, only worsened his condition.

Common Sense lost ground when parents attacked teachers for doing the job that they themselves had failed to do in disciplining their unruly children.

It declined even further when schools were required to get parental consent to administer sun lotion or an Aspirin to a student; but could not inform parents when a student became pregnant and wanted to have an abortion.

Common Sense lost the will to live as the churches became businesses;and criminals received better treatment than their victims. Common Sense took a beating when you couldn't defend yourself from a burglar in your own home and the burglar could sue you for assault.

Common Sense finally gave up the will to live, after a woman failed to realize that a steaming cup of coffee was hot. She spilled a little on her lap, and was promptly awarded a huge settlement.

Common Sense was preceded in death, by his parents, Truth and Trust, his wife, Discretion,his daughter, Responsibility,his son, Reason

He is survived by his 4 stepbrothers; I Know My Rights, I Want It Now, Someone Else Is To Blame, I'm A Victim Not many attended his funeral because so few realized he was gone.If you still remember him, pass this on. If not, join the majority and do nothing.

[Faceandgo]

http://www.hogrockcafe.com/I-Boob.jpg

[jelliclecat8]

I phoned the swine flu hotline...but all I got was crackling...

----------

They said pigs would fly before a black man was made president. 100 days into Obama's presidency and swine flu

-----------

[fluff]

A chemist walks into his shop to find a man leaning against the wall. "What's wrong with him", he asks.  His assistant replies " He came in for cough medicine but I couldn't find any so I sold him some laxatives". "You can't treat a cough with laxatives" said the chemist. "Of course you can" replied the assistant. "Look at him now, he daren't cough now

[Win.]

I'm am Lobos ,i translate for win..He has english joke.

"bored on your way to work?pretend too phone a frend and talk about 2 week holidays in mexico hang up on phone and sneeze"!! haha

[Daveyone]

Doing a good job is like peeing yourself in a dark suit  it gives you a warm feeling but nobody else notices!

Happy days
Davey

[Faceandgo]

Recently a routine police patrol parked outside a local pub.  Late in the evening the officer noticed a man leaving the bar so intoxicated that he could barely walk.

The man stumbled around the car park for a few minutes, with the officer quietly observing.

After what seemed an eternity and trying his keys on five vehicles, the man managed to find his car which he fell into.  He sat there for a few minutes as a number of other patrons left the bar and drove off.  Finally he started the car, switched the wipers on and off (it was a fine dry night) f***ed the indicators on, then off, tooted the horn and then switched on the lights.  He moved the vehicle forward a few inches, reversed a little and then remained stationery for a few more minutes as some more vehicles left.

At last he pulled out of the car park and started to drive slowly down the road.  The police officer, having patiently waited all this time, now started up the patrol car, put on the flashing lights, promptly pulled the man over and carried out a breathalyzer test.  To his amazement, the breathalyzer indicated no evidence of the man having consumed alcohol at all!

Dumbfounded, the officer said "I'll have to ask you to accompany me to the police station.  This breathalyzer equipment must be broken."

"I doubt it", said the man, "tonight I'm the designated decoy."

[Geezer100]

Jacko jokes:
The rumours about jacko dying of a heart attack are untrue, he was found in the childrens ward having a stroke.

<gets coat>

[mikey123]

 Geezer you are one sick person   

[Faceandgo]

 McDonald's have announced the "MJ" memorial burger it is 50 year old meat in between 12 year old buns.

[bloodhound]

due to the extensive plastic surgery michael jackson had, it has been anounced that he will not be buried, he will instead be re-cycled!

[Faceandgo]

Testicle removal and the tailor
The doctor said, "Joe, the good news is I can cure your headaches. The bad news is that it will require castration. You have a very rare condition, which causes your testicles to press on your spine, and the pressure creates one hell of a headache. The only way to relieve the pressure is to remove the testicles."

Joe was shocked and depressed. He wondered if he had anything to live for. He couldn't concentrate long enough to answer, but decided he had no choice but to go under the knife.

When he left the hospital he was without a headache for the first time in 20 years, but he felt like he was missing an important part of himself. As he walked down the street, he realized that he felt like a different person. He could make a new beginning and live a new life. He saw a men's clothing store & thought, "That's what I need - a new suit."

He entered the shop and told the salesman, "I'd like a new suit." The elderly tailor eyed him briefly and said, "Let's see ... size 44 long." Joe laughed, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!" Joe tried on the suit. It fit perfectly.

As Joe admired himself in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about a new shirt?" Joe thought for a moment and then said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe and said, "Let's see, 34 sleeve & 16-1/2 neck." Again, Joe was surprised, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shirt, and it fit perfectly. As Joe adjusted the collar in the mirror, the salesman asked, "How about new shoes?" Joe was on a roll and said, "Sure." The salesman eyed Joe's feet and said, "Let's see ... 9-1/2 E." Joe was astonished, "That's right, how did you know?" "Been in the business 60 years!"

Joe tried on the shoes and they fit perfectly. Joe walked comfortably around the shop and the salesman asked, "How about some new underwear?" Joe thought for a second and said, "Sure." The salesman stepped back, eyed Joe's waist and said, "Let's see... size 36."

Joe laughed. "Ah ha! I got you! I've worn size 34 since I was 18 years old." The salesman shook his head, "You can't wear a size 34. A size 34 underwear would press your testicles up against the base of your spine and give you one hell of a headache.

[Chairswan]

Did anyone hear about the Dutchman who was banned from walking his dog in Regents park (?))

He trained it to shhit!

[POA Billy]

A young man was walking through a supermarket to pick a few things when he noticed an old lady following him around. Thinking nothing of it, he ignored her and continued on. Finally, he went to the checkout line, but she got in front of him.
"Pardon me," she said, "I'm sorry if my staring at you has made you feel uncomfortable. It's just that you look just like my son who just died recently."
"I'm very sorry," replied the young man, "Is there anything I can do for you?"
"Yes," she said. "As I'm leaving, can you say 'Goodbye mother'? It would make me feel much better."
"Sure," answered the young man. As the old woman was leaving, he called out, "Goodbye mother!"
As he stepped up to the checkout counter, he saw that his total was £127.50. "How can that be?" he asked, "I only purchased a few things!"
"Your mother said that you would pay for her," said the clerk.

[Seanmclude]

I heard a customer say to the lady on the cheese counter this afternoon "I think what you do is grate"
I laughed so hard ... he was complimenting her on the way she did her job!

What a good one..

[tinner]

I want u, I shall seek & find you
I shall take you to bed & have my way with you
I will make you ache, shake & sweat till you moan & groan.
I will make you beg for mercy, beg for me to stop.
I will exhaust you to the point thay you will be relieved when i'm finished
with you and you will be weak for days...







All my love Swine Flu

[MAGNERS]

If you've ever worked for a boss that reacts before getting the facts and thinking things through, you will love this story.
   
Archer-Midland Steel, feeling it was time for a shake-up, hired a new CEO and he was determined to rid the company of all slackers.

On a tour of the facilities, the new CEO noticed a guy leaning against a wall. The room was full of workers and he wanted to let them know that he meant business.  He walked up to the guy at the wall and asked, 'How much money do you make a week?'
 
A little surprised, the young man looked at him and replied, 'I make about £400 a week.  Why?'
 
The CEO then handed the guy £1,600 in cash and screamed, 'Here's four weeks' pay, now GET OUT and don't  come back!'
 
The guy left without saying a word to the CEO.

Feeling pretty good about himself, the CEO looked around the room and asked, 'Does anyone want to tell me what that goof-ball did here?'
 
From across the room came a voice,  'Pizza delivery guy from Domino's.' 

[thescorpion]

a farmer gets a call from his son , dad I've just run over a pig and its stuck under the tractor but still alive what should i do , son you have to shoot it then bury it in the field , 20 mins later son rings and says done that now what do i do with his speed camera and his motor bike