Joke Thread

[Einstein]

A man is driving along a highway
and sees a rabbit jump out
across the middle of the road.
He swerves to avoid hitting it,
but unfortunately
the rabbit jumps right in front of the car.



The driver,
a sensitive man as well as an animal lover,
pulls over and gets out to see
what has become of the rabbit.



Much to his dismay,
the rabbit is dead.



The  driver feels so awful
that he begins to cry.



A beautiful blonde woman
driving down the highway
sees a man crying on the
side of the road
and pulls over.



She  steps out of the car and asks the man what's wrong.



"I feel terrible," !
he explains,
"I accidentally hit this rabbit
and killed it."

The blonde says,
"Don't worry."

She runs to her car
and pulls out a spray can.

She walks over to the limp, dead  rabbit,
bends down,
and sprays the contents onto the rabbit.

The rabbit jumps up,
waves its paw at the two of them
and hops off down the road.

Ten feet away the rabbit stops,
turns around and waves again,
he hops down the road another 10 feet,
turns and waves, hops another ten feet, turns and waves,
and repeats this again and again and again,
until he hops out of sight.

The  man is astonished.

He runs over to the woman and demands,
"What is in that can?
What did you spray on that rabbit?"



The woman turns the can around
so that the man can read the label.



It  says..


(Are you ready for this?)


(Are you sure?)


(This is bad!)


(It's definitely a Blonde Joke!)


(You know you could just click off
and not read the punch line....)
 


(You can still delete it)


(You know you're gonna be sorry)


(Last chance)


(OK, here it is)


It says,







"Hair Spray -
Restores life to dead hair,
and adds permanent wave."







Einstein.

He who thinks wins, Sometimes

[The Mrs]

Young Susie was having trouble with her computer so she called Wes, the computer guy, over to her desk. Wes clicked a couple buttons and solved the problem.
As he was walking away Susie called after him, "So, what was wrong?" And he replied, "It was an 'ID ten T' error." A puzzled expression ran riot over Susie's face. " 'An ID ten T' error? What's that, in case I need to fix it again?" He gave her a grin. "Haven't you ever seen an 'ID ten T' error before?" Susie replied, "No." "Write it down," he said, "and I think you'll figure it out."






. . . . . . . . . . I D 1 0 T

[The Mrs]

Two hunters are out in the woods when one of them collapses. He doesn't seem to be breathing and his eyes are glazed. The other guy whips out his phone and calls the emergency services. He gasps, "My friend is dead! What can I do?". The operator says "Calm down. I can help. First, let's make sure he's dead." There is a silence, then a shot is heard. Back on the phone, the guy says "OK, now what?"

[smeld]

Two French paratroopers were seconded to the  Parachute Regiment   for special training.

After the first day they met up in the bar. 'Ah, Pierre ,' asks one, ' 'ow 'av you been doing?'

'Merde!' answers Pierre . 'I 'av 'ad a mos' terrible day. Terrible! At seex zis morning I was woken by zis beeg 'airy sergeant. 'E dragged me out of bed and on to ze parade ground.'
'And zen what 'appened?' inquires his mate.

'I weel tell you what 'appened! 'E made me climb urp zis silly leetle platform five feet off ze ground and zen 'e said 'Jurmp!'

''And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im, I am a French paratrooper; I do not jurmp five feet. It is beneass my dignity.'

'And zen what 'appened?' asks his mate.

'Zen 'e made me climb up zis silly leetle platform ten feet off ze ground, and 'e said 'Jurmp!'

'And did you jurmp?' asks his mate.

'I did not. I told 'im , 'I am a French paratrooper. It is beneass my dignity to jurmp ten feet.'

'What 'appened zen?' asks his mate.

'Zen 'e made me climb urp zis rickety platform a 'undred feet above ze parade ground 'E undid 'is trousers, took out zis enormous willy, and 'e said, 'If you do not jurmp, I am going to stick zis right urp your burm.'

'Ooooh!' said his mate. 'And did you jurmp?'

'Oui, a leetle, at ze beginning'. 

[ali p]

A continuation from the thread men
GOTTA LOVE RON

 

It is important for men to remember that, as women grow older, it becomes harder for them to maintain the same quality of housekeeping as when they were younger.  When you notice this, try not to shout at them. Some are over-sensitive and there's nothing worse than an over-sensitive woman.

My name is Ron. Let me relate how I handled the situation with my wife, Julie. When I took early retirement last year, it became necessary for Julie to get a full-time job for the extra income that we need.

Shortly after she started working, I noticed she was beginning to show her age. I now usually get home from the pub about the same time she gets home from work. Although she knows how hungry I am, she nearly always says she has to rest for half an hour or so before she starts dinner. I don't shout at her, instead I tell her to take her time and just wake me when she gets dinner on the table. I generally have lunch at the pub so eating out again is out of the question; I'm ready for some home cooked food when I get home.

She used to do the dishes as soon as we finished eating. But now it's usual for them to sit on the table for several hours after dinner. I do what I can by diplomatically reminding her several times each evening that they won't clean themselves. I know she really appreciates this, as it does seem to motivate her to get them done before she goes to bed.

Another symptom of ageing is complaining. For example, she will say that it is difficult for her to do the shopping during her lunch hour. But we take them for better or worse, so I just smile and offer encouragement. I tell her to stretch it out over two or even three days. That way she won't have to rush so much. I also remind her that missing lunch completely now and then won't hurt her. I like to think tact is one of my strong points.

When doing simple jobs, she seems to think she needs more rest periods. She has to take a rest when she has only half finished mowing the lawn and several extra breaks when she's vacuuming through the house. It does annoy me, vacuuming when I'm trying to watch 'Match of the Day', but I try not to make a scene. I'm a fair man. I tell her to make herself a nice cup of tea and just sit for a while, and as long as she is making one for herself, she may as well make one for me too.

I know that I probably look like a saint in the way I support Julie. I'm not saying that showing this much consideration is easy. Many men will find it difficult. Some will find it impossible! Nobody knows better than I do how frustrating women get as they get older. However, even if you just use a little more tact and less criticism of your ageing wife because of this article, I will consider that writing it was well worthwhile.. After all, we are put on this earth to help each other, eh?


EDITOR'S NOTE:

Ron died suddenly last week. He was found with a 24-inch Stanley screwdriver rammed up his arse with only 2 inches showing.


His wife Julie was arrested, but the all-woman jury accepted her defense that he accidentally sat on it.

[ali p]

An elderly woman walked into the Bank of Canada one morningwith a purse full of money. She wanted to open a savingsaccount and insisted on talking to the president of the Bank because, she said, she had a lot of money.
After many lengthy discussions (after all, the client is always right) an employee took the elderly woman to thepresident's office. The president of the Bank asked her how much she wanted to deposit. She placed her purse on his desk and replied '$165,000'. The president was curious and asked herhow she had been able to save so much money.? The elderly woman replied that she made bets.  The president was surprised and asked, 'What kind of bets?' The elderly woman replied, 'Well, I bet you $25,000that your testicles are square.' The president started to laugh and told the woman that it was impossible to win a bet like thatThe woman never batted an eye. She just looked at the president and said, 'Would you like to take my bet?'  'Certainly', replied the president. 'I bet you $25,000 that my testicles are not square.' 'Done', the elderly woman answered. 'But giventhe amount of money involved, if you don't mind I would like to come back at  10 ' clock tomorrow morning with my lawyer as a witness.' 'No problem', said the president of the Bank confidently.  That night, the president became very nervous about the betand spent a long time in front of the mirror examining histesticles, turning them this way and that, checking th emover again and a gain until he was positive that no one could consider his testicles as square and reassuring himself that there was no way he could lose the bet. The next morning at exactly 10 o'clock the elderlywoman arrived at the president's office with her lawyer and acknowledged the $25,000 bet made the day before that the president's testicles were square.  The president confirmed that the bet was the same as the one made the day before.? Then the elderly woman asked him to drop his pants etc. so that she and her lawyer could see clearly The president was happy to oblige.  The elderly woman came closer so she could see better andasked the president if she could touch them. 'Of course', said the president. 'Given the amount of money involved, you should be 100% sure.'  The elderly woman did so with a little smile. Suddenly the president noticed that the lawyer was banging his headagainst the wall. He asked the elderly woman why he was doing that and she replied, 'Oh, it's probably because I bet him $100,000 that around 10 o'clock in the morning I would be holding the balls of the President of the Bank of Canada !'

[Faceandgo]

To al the Parents and Grandparents out there !!!!

THE TEA PARTY

When I was a toddler, someone had given me a little Tea Set as a gift, and it was one of my favorite toys.

Daddy was in the living room engrossed in the evening news when I brought him a little cup of "tea" which was just water, of course.

After several cups of tea and lots of praise for such yummy tea, my Mom came home. My Dad made her wait in the living room to watch his little Princess bring him a cup of tea, because it was, "Just the cutest thing!"

My Mom waited, and sure enough, here I come down the hall with a cup of tea for Daddy.

She watches him drink it up and then says, "Did it ever occur to you that the only place that a toddler can reach to get water is the toilet?"

THE END (I hear you laughing!)

[Jaycloth]

Here's a recycled one:
A blond asked a painter if he would like to paint her in the nude.
"Yes I would" he replied "But can I keep my socks on, I need somewhere to put my brushes."

[Faceandgo]

A man walks into a pharmacy and wanders up and down the aisles.

The sales girl notices him and asks him if she can help him.

He answers that he is looking for a box of tampons for his wife.

She directs him down the correct aisle.

A few minutes later, he deposits a huge bag of cotton balls and a ball of string on the counter.

She says, confused, "Sir, I thought you were looking for some tampons for your wife?

He answers, " You see, it's like this, yesterday, I sent my wife to the store to get me a carton of cigarettes, and she came back with a tin of tobacco and some rolling papers; cause it's sooo-ooo--oo-ooo much cheaper.

So, I figure if I have to roll my own. So does she

[tinner]

2 mexicans lost in a desert, thirsty and hungry.
they see a tree in the distance,
as theyget nearer, they see it's draped with
rasher upon rasher of bacon, smoked, crispy, jucy, bacon....

"hey pepe" says the first mexican "ees a bacon tree, we're saved.!"
Then he runs to the tree. as he gets within 15ft of it,
he's gunned down in a hail of bullets.
2nd mexican shouts "pepe what happend?"
with his last breath,
Pepe shouts "run amigo.
ees not a bacon tree....ees a hambush!"

[irishtescoworker]

Little Johnny comes home from school.

'Dad I need help with some homework, my teacher asked me to write an essay about what society is'

So the dad thinks for a while and says
'Okay son, let me use this house as a comparison.
You and your baby brother are the people,
Since I'm making all the money in the house, I'm big business
Your mother takes the money off me and manages it, so she's the government
And the maid, she'd be the working class,
Go away and have a think about that and it should help you'

Johnny thanks his dad, and runs off.
Later that night he hears his little brother crying.  He goes to see him and releases that his diaper needs changing.  So he goes to his parents rooms and finds his mother asleep, he tries to wake her but she just tells him to go away, she's sleeping
He goes looking for his dad, and see him in the maids room having sex with her.

So he has to try and change his brother's diaper himself.

So a thought dawns on him, he goes to his room, finishes his homework and goes to bed.

The next day at school, Johnny is asked to read out his assignment

He gets up in front of the class and reads

'Big Business is screwing the working class,
The government is ignoring the people and doing nothing
Meanwhile the people have to deal with a load of s***'

[Sue]

The Snake and the Bunny

Once upon a time, in a nice little forest, there lived an orphaned bunny and an orphaned snake. By a surprising coincidence, both were blind from birth. One day, the bunny was hopping through the forest, and the snake was slithering through the forest, when the bunny tripped over the snake and fell down. This, of course, knocked the snake about quite a bit.
"Oh, my," said the bunny, "I'm terribly sorry.. I didn't mean to hurt you. I've been blind since birth, so, I can't see where I'm going. In fact, since I'm also an orphan, I don't even know what I am."

It's quite ok," replied the snake. "Actually, my story is as yours. I too have been blind since birth, and also never knew my mother. Tell you what, maybe I could slither all over you, and work out what you are so at least you'll have that going for you."

"Oh, that would be wonderful" replied the bunny. So the snake slithered all over the bunny, and said, "Well, you're covered with soft fur, you have really long ears, your nose twitches, and you have a soft cottony tail. I'd say that you must be a bunny rabbit."

"Oh, thank you, thank you," cried the bunny, in obvious excitement. The bunny suggested to the snake, "Maybe I could feel you all over with my paw, and help you the same way that you've helped me."

So the bunny felt the snake all over, and remarked, "Well, you're smooth and slippery, and you have a forked tongue, no backbone and no balls.


I'd say you must be either a team leader, supervisor or possibly someone in senior management."

[irishtescoworker]

scathing Sue... scathing...

here's a good one.. or at least I think it is..

A Steward's Tale

A worker has problems getting his overtime hours paid properly, so he tracks down his union steward in the breakroom and explains his problem. The steward tells the worker no sweat, as it happens he's meeting with management over this very issue in ten minutes. "Perfect timing," he says. "You're just like Sheldon."

"Who?"

"Sheldon Cohen," the steward says. "There's a guy who did everything right. Like you coming to me about an overtime problem just minutes before my meeting with management on that very subject. It would have happened like that for Sheldon every single time."

"Well, no one is perfect. There are always a few clouds over everybody", responded the union member.

"Not Sheldon," said the steward. "He was a terrific athlete. He could have gone on the pro tour in tennis. He could golf with the pros. He sang like an opera baritone and danced like a Broadway star. Handsome and sophisticated, more than Cary Grant. He had a better body than Arnold in his prime. He was something!

"Somehow Sheldon just knew exactly how to make women happy," the steward continued. "He had a memory like a computer. Could remember everybody's birthday. He knew all about wine, which fork to eat with. He could fix anything. Not like me. I change a fuse, and the whole neighborhood blacks out."

"Wow, incredible, no wonder you remember him!" said the worker.

"Well, I never actually met Sheldon," admitted the steward.

"Then how do you know so much about him?" asked the worker.

Responded the steward, "After he died, I married his wife."

[Faceandgo]

There's a stuffed toy doll called "tickle me elmo"   back in 96 it was America's best selling toy. It's  based on a character from Sesame street, when you tickle his sides he chuckles and speaks a variety of phrases.

So this woman gets a job in quality control at the tickle me elmo factory.  Halfway through the first day and the foreman notices the production line is backing up. He goes to investigate and finds his new starter carefully cutting the crotch of the elmo dolls,inserting two marbles and then sowing the cut back up again. "No No!" he screams, "you mis heard me, I said you have to give each doll two test tickles"

[bdman]

A man is in a queue at Tesco and sees this busty blonde staring at him.
He can't believe she is staring at him, then she starts waving.

'Excuse me do I know you?' he asks.

'Yes I think you are the father of one of my kids' she says.


The man thinks back and remembers his one act of infidelity and says
"Bloody hell are you the bird I shagged on me stag do, whilst your mate whipped me and your other mate covered me oil ?"

'No' she replies 'I'm your son's English teacher!'

[ali p]

40 Gypsies arrive at the Pearly Gates in their Transit vans and caravans.

St Peter goes into the gatehouse and phones up God, saying. 'I've got 40
travellers here. Can I let them in?'

God says 'We are over the quota on Pikeys. Go out and tell them to choose
between them which are the 12 most worthy, and I will let just the dozen in.'

Less than a minute later St Peter is on the phone to God again.

'They've gone', he tells God.

'What?' says God, 'All 40 of them?'







scroll down!!!
 
 
 
 
 
 





 
 
 
 
 
 
 


'No, the f***ing gates'.
_______________________________________________________
_______________________________________________________

[ali p]

A  blonde was swerving all overthe road so bad she got pulled over by a cop. He walked round to her window and said excuse me why are you driving so bad.?  The blonde said i'm sorry but everywhere i go I see a tree in front of me.  The cop looked at her and said lady that's your air freshener.

[tinner]

Little boy asks dad where poo comes from?.
Dad explains food passes down the esophagus to stomache where digestive enzymes induce a probiotic reaction in the ailmentry canal to extract protien before waste products descend via the colon & rectum, to emerge as "poo"

Blimey says little boy, "so what about tigger"?

[Faceandgo]

>A woman was in a coma. She had been in it for months. Nurses were in her
> >room giving her a sponge bath. One of them was washing her private area
> >and noticed there was a slight response on the monitor whenever she
> >touched her there. They tried it again and sure enough, there was definite
> >movement. They went to her husband and explained what happened, telling
> >him, 'As crazy as this sounds, maybe a little '0ral Sex' will do the trick
> >& bring her out of the coma.' The husband was skeptical, but they assured
> >him that they would close the curtains for privacy. The husband finally
> >agreed and went into his wife's room. After a few minutes the woman's
> >monitor flat lined no pulse, no heart rate. The nurses ran back into the
> >room. 'What happened!?' they cried. The husband said, 'I'm not sure;
> >maybe she choked?

[Jaycloth]

Gas man knocks on the door. A little boy answers, wearing stockings, suspenders and a leather basque. He's smoking a joint. "Is your Mother in." Asks the gas man. "Does it look like it." answers the little boy.

[bdman]

A man charges into a bank wearing a balaclava and wielding a handgun.
He shouts "This is a raid - everyone get on the floor!", and proceeds to empty the cash drawers. As he runs towards the door with the loot, a brave customer yanks off his balaclava. The robber immediately shoots the customer in the head and shouts "Did anybody here see my face?".
The robber notices another customer peering from behind a counter and goes over and shoots him in the head also.
"Did anybody else see my face?" He shouts again, waving his gun around.
There is a silence for a few seconds before a male voice is heard from a distant corner.
"I think my wife caught a glimpse..."

[Jaycloth]

Apparently, all over America, women are shaving their nether regions. This is a celebration of  Mr Obama's upcoming Presidency. Symbolically, they are saying No More Bush!

[Einstein]

Two aliens landed in the desert close to Birdsville
near an old petrol station that was closed for the
night.

They approached one of the old petrol pumps and the
younger alien addressed it saying,

"Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Take us to your leader."

The old petrol pump, of course, didn't respond. The
younger alien became angry at the lack of response
and the older alien said, "I'd calm down if I were you."

The younger alien ignored the warning and repeated his greeting.

Again, there was no response. Annoyed by what he perceived to be the pump's haughty attitude, he drew his ray gun and said impatiently, "Greetings, Earthling. We come in peace. Do not ignore us this way! Take us to your leader or I will fire!"

The older alien warned his comrade saying, "You
don't want to do that! I don't think you should make him mad."

"Rubbish," replied the cocky, young alien. He aimed
his weapon at the pump and opened fire.

There was a huge explosion. A massive fireball
roared towards them and blew the younger alien off
his feet and deposited him a burnt crumpled mess
about 200 metres away in a dry creek bed.

About a half hour passed. When he finally regained
consciousness, he refocused his three eyes and
straightened his bent antenna and looked dazedly at
the older, wiser alien who was standing over him
shaking his big, green head.

"What a ferocious creature!" exclaimed the young,
fried alien. "He damn near killed me! How did you
know he was so dangerous?"

The older alien leaned over, placed a friendly
feeler on his crispy friend and replied, "If there's
one thing I've learned during my intergalactic
travels, you don't want to mess with a bloke who can
wrap his penis around himself twice and then stick
it in his ear."

[Jaycloth]

A class of primary school children were asked what they did on Christmas Day. A little protestant lad said "We when to church in the morning, in the afternoon we opened our presents and sang a carol." A catholic boy said " We went to Mass in the morning, we sang carols all afternoon and opened our pressies in the evening. When asked, a Jewish boy told the class that his father owned a toy shop and on Christmas Day he and his son went to the shop and looked at all the empty shelves, and then said the boy. "We sang, Oh what a friend we have in Jesus." 

[Faceandgo]

Three men were waiting at Heaven's Gate. St. Peter says, "OK, guys, pretty much anything goes up here, but whatever you do, never lie, or you will spend the rest of eternity with the ugliest women in the universe."

So they all agree and are admitted in. The first guy makes it a week before he lies about how rich he was on Earth. Bam! Right at his side appears the ugliest woman he had ever seen.

The second guy makes it another couple weeks before he lies about how smart he is. Bam! At his side appears the second ugliest woman in the universe.

So the first two guys are walking around with their monsters of women when they see their third friend walking with the hottest woman ever conceived by man. The first two guys say in unison, "How did you land with that babe when we get stuck with these nasty women?"

He nudges the babe and says, "Tell them." She says to the first two guys, "I lied."