Joke Thread

[BottleNeck]

Please insert a joke, have a laugh and pass it on

[billybong]

Why oh why

If you take an Oriental person and spin him around several times, does he
become disoriented?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland
called Holes?

Do infants enjoy infancy as much as adults enjoy adultery?

If a pig loses its voice, is it disgruntled?

If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

When cheese gets its picture taken, what does it say?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist but a person who
drives a racing car not called a racist?

Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites?

Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things?

Why isn't the number 11 pronounced onety one?

" I am" is reportedly the shortest sentence in the English language.
Could it be that "I do" is the longest sentence?

If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that
electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys
deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked, and dry cleaners
depressed?

What hair colour do they put on the driver's licences of bald men?

I thought about how mothers feed their babies with tiny little spoons and
forks so I wondered what do Chinese mothers use? toothpicks?

Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we
supposed to do, write to them? Why don't they just put their pictures on
the postage stamps so the postmen can look for them while they deliver the
mail?

You never really learn to swear until you learn to drive.

No one ever says, "It's only a game" when their team is winning.

Ever wonder about those people who spend £2.00 apiece on those little
bottles of Evian water? Try spelling Evian backwards: NAIVE

Isn't making a smoking section in a restaurant like making a peeing
section in a swimming pool?

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhoea, does that mean that one enjoys
it?

Kindest regards Billybong.
          Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails...


 

[billybong]

THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN MEN AND WOMEN

NICKNAMES

If Laura, Kate and Sarah go out for lunch, they will call each other Laura, Kate and Sarah.
If Mike, Dave and John go out, they will affectionately refer to each other as Fat Boy, Godzilla and Four-eyes.

EATING OUT
When the bill arrives, Mike, Dave and John will each throw in £20, even though it's only for £32.50. None of them will have anything
smaller and none will actually admit they want change back.
When the girls get their bill, out come the pocket calculators.

MONEY
A man will pay £2 for a £1 item he needs.
A woman will pay £1 for a £2 item that she doesn't need but it's on sale

BATHROOMS
A man has six items in his bathroom: toothbrush and toothpaste, shaving cream, razor, a bar of soap, and a towel from M&S.
The average number of items in the typical woman's bathroom is 337. A man would not be able to identify more than 20 of these items.

ARGUMENTS
A woman has the last word in any argument.
Anything a man says after that is the beginning of a new argument.

CATS
Women love cats.
Men say they love cats, but when women aren't looking, men kick cats.

FUTURE
A woman worries about the future until she gets a husband.
A man never worries about the future until he gets a wife.

SUCCESS
A successful man is one who makes more money than his wife can spend.
A successful woman is one who can find such a man.

MARRIAGE
A woman marries a man expecting he will change, but he doesn't.
A man marries a woman expecting that she won't change, but she does.

DRESSING UP
A woman will dress up to go shopping, water the plants, empty the bins, answer the phone, read a book, and get the post.
A man will dress up for weddings and funerals.
 
NATURAL
Men wake up as good-looking as they went to bed.
Women somehow deteriorate during the night.

OFFSPRING
Ah, children. A woman knows all about her children. She knows about dentist appointments and romances, best friends, favourite foods, secret fears and hopes and dreams.
A man is vaguely aware of some short people living in the house.

THOUGHT FOR THE DAY AND FINALLY TRUEST TRUISM OF ALL
Any married man should forget his mistakes.
There's no use in two people remembering the same thing !



Kindest regards Billybong.
          Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails...


 

[billybong]

Smart Mum





Mom comes to visit her son Kumar for dinner...who lives with a girlroommate Sunita.

During the course of the meal,his mother couldn't help but notice how pretty Kumar's, roommate was. She had long been suspicious of a relationship between the two, and this had only made her more curious.



Over the course of the evening, while watching the two interact, she started to wonder if there was more between Kumar and his roommate than met the eye.



Reading his mom's thoughts, Kumar volunteered, "I know what you must be thinking, but I assure you, Sunita and I are just roommates."



About a week later, Sunita came to Kumar saying, "Ever since your mother came to dinner, I've been unable to find the silver chutney jar. You don't suppose she took it, do you?"



"Well, I doubt it, but I'll email her, just to be sure." So he sat down and wrote :

Dear Mother, I'm not saying that you 'did' take the chutney jar from my house, I'm not saying that you 'did not' take the chutney jar. But the fact remains that it has been missing ever since you were here for dinner

Love,

Kumar



Several days later, Kumar received an email from his Mother

Which read:

Dear Son,

I'm not saying that you 'do' sleep with Sunita,

and I'm not saying that you 'do not' sleep with Sunita.

But the fact remains that if she was sleeping in her OWN bed, she would have found the chutney jar by now.

Love,

Mom.



Lesson of the day .....

Don't Lie to Your Mother...she's any day smarter than you are.


Kindest regards Billybong.
          Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails...


 

[billybong]

An old farmer got in his ute (pickup) and drove to a neighbouring farm and knocked at the farmhouse door. A young boy, about nine, opened the door. "Is your Dad home"? the farmer asked. "Sorry mate, he isn't" the boy replied "He went into town." "Well," said the farmer, "Is your mum here"? "No, sir, she's not here either. She went into town with Dad." "How about your brother, Greg? Is he here"? "He went with Mum and Dad." The farmer stood there for a few minutes, shifting from one foot to the other and mumbling to himself. "Is there anything I can do for ya"? the boy asked politely. "I know where all the tools are if you want to borrow one. Or maybe, I could take a message for Dad."  



"Well," said the farmer uncomfortably, "I really wanted to talk to your Dad. It's about your brother Greg getting my daughter pregnant."



The boy considered for a moment. "You would have to talk to Dad about that," he finally conceded. "If it helps you any, I know that Dad charges $200 for the bull and $150 for the pig, but I really don't know how much he gets for Greg."



Kindest regards Billybong.
          Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails...


 

[billybong]

A young bloke from outback Queensland goes off to university, but halfway through the semester,  he foolishly has squandered all of his money.

He calls home. "Dad," he says, "you won't believe what modern education is developing.   They actually have a program here in Brisbane that will teach our dog Ol' Blue how to talk."

"That's amazing!" his Dad says. "How do I get Ol' Blue into  that program?"

"Just send him down here with $2,000," the young jackaroo says, "I'll get him in the course."

So ... his father sends the dog and $2,000.

About two-thirds through the semester, the money again runs out.   The boy calls home. "So how's Ol' Blue doing, son?" his father wants to know.

"Awesome! Dad, he's talking up a storm. But you just won't believe this.

They've had such good results with talking, they've begun to teach the animals how to read."

"Read?!" exclaims his father. "No kidding! How do we get Ol' Blue in that program?"

"Just send $4,500. I'll get him in the class."   The money promptly arrives. But our hero has a problem. At the end of the year, his father will find out the dog can neither talk nor read.

So he shoots the dog. When he arrives home at the end of the year, his father is all excited.

"Where's Ol' Blue? I just can't wait to talk with him, and see him read something!"

"Dad," the boy says, "I have some grim news. Yesterday morning, just before we left to drive home,

Ol' Blue was in the living room, kicked back in the recliner, reading the Wall Street Journal.

Then he suddenly turned to me and asked, 'So, is your daddy still messing around with that little redhead barmaid at the pub?'"

The father groans and whispers, "I hope you shot that b*****d before he talks to your mother!"

"I sure did, Dad!"

"That's my boy!"

The kid went on to be a successful lawyer!!    



Kindest regards Billybong.
          Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails...


 

[billybong]

When four of Santa's elves got sick, and the trainee elves did not produce the toys as fast as the regular ones, Santa was beginning to feel the pressure of being behind schedule.

Then Mrs. Claus told Santa that her Mum was coming to visit. This upset Santa even more.

When he went to harness the reindeer, he found that three of them were about to give birth and two had jumped the fence and were out, heaven knows where. More stress!

Then when he began to load the sleigh one of the sacks split, and the toys fell to the ground in the snow.

So, frustrated, Santa went into the house for a cup of apple cider and a shot of rum. When he went to the cupboard, he discovered that the elves had finished off the liquor, and there was nothing to drink.

In his desperation, he accidentally dropped the cider pot, and it broke into hundreds of little pieces all over the kitchen floor.

He went to get the broom and found that mice had eaten the straw end of the broom.

Just then the doorbell rang, and an irritable Santa trudged to the door which he opened to find a little angel with a great big Christmas tree.

The angel said, very cheerfully, "Merry Christmas, Santa. Isn't it a lovely day? I have a beautiful tree for you. Where would you like me to stick it?"

And so began the tradition of the little angel on top of the Christmas tree.    

Kindest regards Billybong.
          Death is the wish of some, the relief of many, and the end of all.
We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust our sails...


 

[redstar]

A man was in a long line at his local Tesco store. As he got to the register
he realised he had forgotten to get condoms, so he asked the checkout girl
if she could have some brought up to the register. She asked, 'What size
condoms?' The customer replied that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.

She reached over the counter, grabbed hold of him and called over the
intercom, 'One box of large condoms, Till 5.' The next man in line thought
this was interesting, and like most of us,was up for a cheap thrill. When he
got up to the register he told the checker that he too had forgotten to get
condoms and asked if she could have some brought to the register for him.

She asked him what size, and he stated that he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers.

He did.She gave him a quick feel, picked up the intercom and said, 'One box
of medium-sized condoms, Till 5.'A few customers back was this teenage boy.
He thought what he had seen was way too cool. He had never had any type of
sexual contact with a live female so he thought this was his chance. When he
got to the till he told the checker he needed some condoms.

She asked him what size and he said he didn't know.

She asked him to drop his trousers and he did she reached over the counter,
gave him a quick squeeze then picked up the intercom and said
/
/
/
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/
/
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/
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'Mop and bucket, Till 5'

[Geezer100]

How long does it take United Utilities to fix a burst water main?

Dunno, 30 hrs later and still waiting.

[Faceandgo]

Claiming Welfare

An Essex girl goes to the council to register for child benefit.

"How many children?" asks the council worker

"10" replies the Essex girl

"10???" says the council worker.. "What are their names?"

"Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne, Wayne and
Wayne"

"Doesn't that get confusing?"

"Naah..." says the Essex girl "its great because if they are out playing in the street I just have to shout WAAYNE, YER DINNER'S READY

OR

WAYNE GO TO BED NOW and they all do it..."

"What if you want to speak to one individually?" says the perturbed council worker.

"That's easy," says the Essex girl... "I just use their last names"




           
An Essex girl and an Irish guy are in a bar when the Essex girl notices something strange about the boots the Irish guy is wearing.

She says, "Scuse me mate, I aint being fanny or nuffink, but why doz one of your boots 'ave an L on it and the uva one's got an R on it"

So the Irish guy smiles, puts down his glass of Guinness and replies, "Well oim a little bit tick you see. The one with the R on it is for me roight foot and the one with the L is for me left foot"

"Cor blimey, exclaims the Essex girl, "So THAT'S why me knickers 'ave got C&A on them.



take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

[Faceandgo]

Originally by Jasper


Dialogue of a former WordPerfect Customer Phoning Tesco online computer Assistance.

Operator: Hello' Tesco,online computer assistance; may I help you?
Caller: 'Yes, well, I'm having trouble with WordPerfect.'
Operator: 'What sort of trouble??'
Caller: 'Well, I was just typing along, and all of a sudden the words went away.'
Operator: 'Went away?'
Caller: 'They disappeared.'
Operator: 'Hmm So what does your screen look like now?'
Caller: 'Nothing.'
Operator: 'Nothing??'
Caller: 'It's blank; it won't accept anything when I type.'
Operator: 'Are you still in WordPerfect, or did you get out??'
Caller: 'How do I tell?'
Operator: 'Can you see the C: prompt on the screen??'
Caller: 'What's a sea-prompt?'
Operator: 'Never mind, can you move your cursor around the screen?'
Caller: 'There isn't any cursor: I told you, it won't accept anything I type.'
Operator: 'Does your monitor have a power indicator??'
Caller: 'What's a monitor?'
Operator: 'It's the thing with the screen on it that looks like a TV. Does it have a little light that tells you when it's on??'
Caller: 'I don't know.'
Operator: 'Well, then look on the back of the monitor and find where the power cord goes into it. Can you see that??'
Caller: 'Yes, I think so.'
Operator: 'Great. Follow the cord to the plug, and tell me if it's plugged into the wall.
Caller: 'Yes, it is.'
Operator: 'When you were behind the monitor, did you notice that there were two cables plugged into the back of it, not just one??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Well, there are. I need you to look back there again and find the other cable.'
Caller: 'Okay, here it is.'
Operator: 'Follow it for me, and tell me if it's plugged securely into the back of your computer.'
Caller: 'I can't reach.'
Operator: 'Uh huh. Well, can you see if it is??'
Caller: 'No.'
Operator: 'Even if you maybe put your knee on something and lean way over??'
Caller: 'Oh, it's not because I don't have the right angle - it's because it's dark.'
Operator: 'Dark??'
Caller: 'Yes - the office light is off, and the only light I have is coming in from the window.
' Operator: 'Well, turn on the office light then.'
Caller: 'I can't.'
Operator: 'No? Why not??'
Caller: 'Because there's a power failure.'
Operator: 'A power......... A power failure? Aha, Okay, we've got it licked now.
Do you still have the boxes and manuals and packing stuff your computer came in??'
Caller: 'Well, yes, I keep them in the closet.'
Operator: 'Good. Go get them, and unplug your system and pack it up just like it was when you got it. Then take it back to the store you bought it from.'
Caller: 'Really? Is it that bad?'
Operator: 'Yes, I'm afraid it is.'
Caller: 'Well, all right then, I suppose. What do I tell them??'
Operator: 'Tell them you're too f***ing stupid to own a computer!!!!!'

Stresco don't scare me, they just stress me out.

take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

[Basoo9]

"The Dog´s Party"
The dogs they had a party
They came from near and far
And some dogs came by aeroplane
And some by motor car
They went into the lobby
And signed the visitors´ book
And each one hung his ar**h*le
Upon a separate hook
One dog was not invited
And this aroused his ire
He rushed into the meeting place
And loudly shouted, ´Fire!´
Now the dogs were so excited
They had no time to look
And each one took an ar**h*le
From off the nearest hook
It is a sad sad story
For it is very sore
To wear another´s ar**h*le
You´ve never worn before
And that is why when dogs meet
By land or sea or foam
Each sniffs the other´s ar**h*le
In hope it is its own

Poem by Matt Mc Ginn from Glasgow.

Knowledge is power,use it with common sense.

[Faceandgo]

DICTIONARY FOR DECODING WOMEN'S ENGLISH:

Yes.........................................No
No..........................................Yes
Maybe....................................No
We need...............................I want
I am sorry.............................You'll be sorry
We need to talk...................You're in trouble
Sure, go ahead....................You better not
Do what you want...............You will pay for this later
I am not upset......................Of course, I am upset, you m****!
You're attentive tonight.........Is sex all you ever think about?


DICTIONARY FOR DECODING MEN'S ENGLISH:

I am hungry..........................I am hungry
I am tired..............................I am tired
Nice dress...........................Nice cleavage!
I love you..............................Let's have sex now
I am bored...........................Do you want to have sex?
May I have this dance?....................I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I call you sometime?...............I'd like to have sex with you.
Do you want to go to a movie?.......I'd like to have sex with you.
Can I take you out to dinner?..........I'd like to have sex with you.
I don't think your shoes go with that outfit..............I'm gay.


take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

[crabbit]

How many psychiatrists does it take to change a lightbulb  

Only 1 but the lightbulb has to want to change...

Take everyone as you find them

[Major Dude]

A bloke finds himself a job in a zoo. On his first day his instructor says "Don't worry mate if you kill anything just throw it into the lions to get rid of the evidence" He is put to work in the aquarium but unfortunately gives the fish the wrong food and they choke. Remembering his instructions he gathers up the dead fish and slings them into the lion enclosure. His next job is cleaning out the chimps cage but again he makes a blunder and kills two of them by trapping them in the cage door. Again he destroys the evidence by throwing the bodies into the lions den. His final job is to shift the bee hives but unfortunately he reverses the tractor over it and flattens it. Once again he dumps the evidence into the lions den. Next day a new lion arrives in the zoo and in put into the den to join the other lions. Being a new boy he saunters up to one of the other lions and asks "what's the grub like here?" "Not too bad" says the lion "yesterday we had fish, chimps and mushy bees."

It's grim up north !

[billybong]

As you may know, East London will be hosting the Olympic Games in 2012.
What you may not know, is that many aspects of the games have been specially altered to embrace the culture of the area.
A copy of the changes has been leaked and is reproduced below:

Opening Ceremony

The flames will be ignited by a petrol bomb thrown by a native of the city. The flame will be contained in a large, overturned police van situated on the roof of the stadium


The Events

In previous Olympic games East London's competitors have not been particularly successful. In order to redress the balance some of the events have been altered slightly to the advantage of the local athletes.

100 meters sprint - Competitors will have to hold a DVD player and microwave oven (one under each arm) and on the sound of the starting pistol a police dog will be released from the cage 10 meters behind the athletes.

110 Meter Hurdles - As above, but with added obstacles (car bonnets, hedges, garden fences, walls, etc).

Hammer - Competitors may choose the type of hammer they wish to use (claw, sledge, lump etc) The winner will be the one who can cause the most physical damage within 3 attempts.

Fencing - Entrants will be asked to dispose of as many stolen goods as possible in 5 minutes.

Shooting - A strong challenge is expected from the local men in this event. The first target will be a moving police van. In the second round competitors will aim at a post office clerk, bank teller or Securicor style wages delivery man. The traditional .22 rifle has been replaced in this event by a choice of either a browning automatic pistol or a sawn-off 12 bore shotgun.

Boxing - Entry into the boxing event will be restricted to husband and wife teams and will take place on Friday night. the husband will be given 15 pints of larger, while the wife will be told not to make him any tea when he gets home. The bout will then commence.

Cycling Time trials - Competitors will be asked to break in to the University bike shed and take an expensive mountain bike owned by some mummy's boy on his first trip away from home, all against the clock.

Cycling Pursuit - As above, but the bike will be owned by a visiting member of the Fijian rugby sevens team, who will witness the theft.

Modern Pentathlon - Amended to include mugging, breaking and entering, flashing, joyriding and arson.

Swimming events - All waterways are currently being tested for toxicity levels. Once one is found that can support human life, swimming events will be arranged.
Please note that the synchronised swimming event for this year will comprise of dropping acid and watching all the funky ripples on the pool. The specific musical support to this event will be supplied by "The Verve".

The Marathon - A safe route has yet to be decided.

Men's 50lm Walk - Unfortunately, this event will have to be cancelled as the police cannot guarantee the safety of anyone walking the streets of Stratford, especially anyone that appears to be mincing.


The Closing Ceremony

Entertainment will include formation rave dancing by members of the Stratford mental health in the community, anti-drug campaigners, synchronised rock throwing and music by the Walthamstow Community Choir.
The flames will be extinguished by riot police water cannon following the inevitable pitch invasion by confused West Ham supporters.

The stadium itself will then be boarded up by the council before local athletes break in and remove all the copper piping and the central heating boiler.


Latest News

Apparently Liverpool were set to put in a bid very similar to the above, but with the Pentathlon modified to include killing a spouse, digging a hole,  burying the body, laying a patio and the strangely named "Calm Down" contest.

To guarantee the entry of any athletes from the local are there at all, drug testing has been waived for the duration of the games




Kindest regards Billybong.
          •   Some people are alive today; only because it's illegal to kill them.  
•   The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
   

[Faceandgo]

was a man who worked for the Post Office whose job it was to process all the mail that had illegible addresses.One day, a letter came addressed in a shaky handwriting to God with no actual address. He thought he should open it to see what it was about. The letter read:

Dear God,
I am an 83 year old widow, living on a very small pension. Yesterday someone stole my purse. It had $100 in it, which was all the money i had until my next pension check. Next Sunday is Christmas, and I had invited two of my friends over for dinner. Without that money, I have nothing to buy food with. I have no family to turn to, and you are my only hope. Can you please help me?

Sincerely, Edna

The postal worker was touched. He showed the letter to all the other workers. Each one dug into his or her wallet and came up with a few dollars. By the time he made the rounds, he had collected $96, which they put into an envelope and sent to the woman.

The rest of the day, all the workers felt a warm glow thinking of Edna and the dinner she would be able to share with her friends.

Christmas came and went. A few days later, another letter came from the same old lady to God. All the workers gathered around while the letter was opened. It read:

Dear God,
How can I ever thank you enough for what you did for me? Because of your gift of love, I was able to fix a glorious dinner for my friends. We had a very nice day and I told my friends of your wonderful gift. By the way, there was $4 missing. I think it must have been those b*****ds at the Post Office.


take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

[billybong]

HOW TO STOP SOMEONE CHOKING - AUSSIE STYLE
A woman sitting in a Sydney Pub suddenly began to cough.
After a few seconds it became apparent that she was in real distress, and two locals, Bluey and Bazza sitting at the next table turned to look at her.
Ken ya swaller? asked Bluey
The woman signalled 'No!' desperately shaking her head.
Kin ya breathe?" asked Bazza. The woman shook her head No!!!
With that, Bluey walked behind her, lifted up the back of her dress, yanked down her knickers and ran his tongue up and down the crack of her butt.
This shocked the woman into such a violent spasm that the obstruction flew out of her mouth and she began to breathe again.
Bluey swaggered back to his table and took a deep swig of his beer.
Bazza said in admiration "Ya know Bluey, I'd heard of that bloody Hind Lick Manoeuvre, but that's the first time I ever seen somebody do it."





Kindest regards Billybong.
          •   Some people are alive today; only because it's illegal to kill them.  
•   The original point and click interface was a Smith & Wesson.
   

[Faceandgo]

GOD SENT AN E-MAIL


One day God was looking down at Earth and saw all the rascally behavior that was going on. He decided to send an angel down to Earth to check things out.

When the angel returned, he told God, "Yes, it is bad on Earth; 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are not."

God thought for a moment and said, "Maybe I had better send down another angel for a second opinion."

When that angel returned, he went to God and said, "Yes, it's absolutely true. The Earth is in a ravaging decline! 95% are misbehaving and only 5% are being good."

God was not pleased. So He decided to E-mail the 5% that were good, because He wanted to encourage them. Give them a little something to help them keep going.

Do you know what the E-mail said?
...
...
...
...
...
...
...
Just wondering.......I didn't get one either.

take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

[Tilltart]

Gift for the teacher
It was the nursery teachers birthday and the students decided that they would each buy their teacher a gift.

The first student, whose parents own a florist shop, gave her a present. She held it and said "I guess that it is flowers". "How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She laughed and thanked him.

The second student, whose parents own a sweet shop, gave her a present. She held it and said, "I guess that is some sweets."

"How did you guess?" asked the little boy. She again laughed and thanked him also.

The third student, whose parents own a wine outlet, gave her a box which was leaking. The teacher touched the liquid with her finger and tasted it.

"Mmmmm is it wine?" she asked.

"No," said the little girl.

So she tasted it again. "Is it Champagne?" she asked.

"No," replied the little girl, "It is a puppy."

HAPPIEST MAN THIS SIDE OF TESCO;D

[The Mrs]

A young blonde Portsmouth girl, down on her luck, decided to end it all one night by casting herself into the cold, dark waters off Gunwharf Quay.

As she stood on the edge, pondering the infinite, a young sailor noticed her as he strolled by. 'You're not thinking of jumping, are you babes?' he asked.

'Yes, I am.' replied the sobbing girl. Putting his arm around her, the kind sailor coaxed her back from the edge. 'Look, nothing's worth that. I'll tell you what; I'm sailing off for America tomorrow. Why don't you stow away on board and start a new life over there. I'll set you up in one of the lifeboats on the deck, bring you food and water every night and I'll look after you if you look after me - if you know what I mean. You just have to keep very quiet so that you won't be found'.

The girl, having no better prospects, agreed, and the sailor sneaked her on board that very night. For the next 3 weeks the sailor came to her lifeboat every night, bringing food and water, and making love to her until dawn. Then, during the fourth week, the captain was performing a routine inspection of the ship and its lifeboats. He peeled back the cover to find the startled blonde, and demanded an explanation.

The girl came clean, 'I've stowed away to get to America. One of the sailors is helping me out. He set me up in here and brings me food and water every night and he's screwing me.'

The puzzled captain stared at her for a moment before a grin cracked his face and he replied, 'He certainly is pet. This is the Isle of Wight Ferry!'



Where all think alike, no one thinks very much. Walter Lippman

[Faceandgo]

Social Security :

When I went to the social security office to apply for Social Security, the woman behind the counter asked me for my driver's license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry but I seemed to have left my wallet at home and would have to come back later.

The woman says, "Unbutton your shirt."

So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.

She says, "That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me," and she processed my Social Security application.


When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the social security office. She says, "You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too."

take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

[Faceandgo]

A bank robber goes up to the counter and demands cash. After filling his bag, he turns to the queue of customers behind him. "Did you just see me rob this bank"? he asks. "Yes" says the first man in the queue. The bank robber shoots hims straight between the eyes.He then walks up to the couple next in line and asks the same question. "No" says the man , "but my wife did" .

take two cages onto the shop floor? not me i just faceandgo!(Administrator)

[ali p]

Question: What is the difference between men and puppies?
Answer: Puppies grow up.

Question: What do men have in common with ceramic tiles?
Answer: Fix them properly once and you can walk all over them
forever.

Question: What did God say after he created man?
Answer: I can do better than this! And then he created woman!!!.


Question: What's the difference between an intelligent man & a UFO?
Answer: I don't know, I've never seen either.


Question: What are two reasons why men don't mind their own business?
Answer: i) no mind ii) no business


Question: Why did Moses wander in the desert for 40 years?
Answer:! Because even back then men wouldn't ask for directions.

Question: What makes men chase women they have no intention of
marrying?
Answer: The same urge that makes dogs chase vehicles they have no
intention of driving.

Question: Why do men like smart women?
Answer: Opposites attract.

[The Mrs]

Tips for the ladies in year 2008


1. Aspire to be Barbie - the b**ch has everything.

2. If the shoe fits - buy one in every colour.

3. Take life with a pinch of salt... A wedge of lime, and a shot of tequila.

4. In need of a support group? - c**ktail hour with the girls!

5. Go on the 30 day diet.  (I'm on it and so far I've lost 15 days).

6. When life gets you down - just put on your big girl panties and deal with it.

7. Let your greatest fear be that there is no PMS and this is just your personality.

8. I know I'm in my own little world, but it's ok.  They know me here..

9. Lead me not into temptation, I can find it myself.

10. Don't get your knickers in a knot, it solves nothing; and makes you walk funny.

11. When life gives you lemons in 2008 - turn it into lemonade then mix it with vodka.

12. Remember every good looking; sweet, single male is someone else's ex-boyfriend!


Where all think alike, no one thinks very much. Walter Lippman