Joke Thread

[seenitall]

New Joke
(not mine--from the comedian Tim Vine taken from his televised special Punslinger pre exit of Philip Clarke--typed from memory)

I went to my local river and I saw the Chief Executive of Tesco in the water splashing and shouting for help.

So I threw in a cork.

Every little helps!

So the man was officially a joke before he left....

[Loki]

Finally, we have come through some difficult months and I know we have some steep challenges ahead, but I am really proud of the team spirit and determination that I have seen from colleagues over the Christmas period and I hope that we can continue to build on this momentum as we move forward. As we face into the difficult decisions we have been forced to make, you have my commitment that we will always be very open and respectful with you.

Thank you for your ongoing commitment and support,

Dastardly Dave

Statement made 8th January 2015 - similar to many other statements made to employees since taking the helm.

[craftyarchie]

Nice one Loki. It's like a mugger saying please and thank you.

[mexicopete]

Give it a couple of weeks and let's see what the team spirit is like. The snake oil salesmans  game will soon be up in my opinion.

[tumshie]

Latest hot news - Smile and Chat has been re-named Grin and Bear it. 

[Eddie Clarke]

Greece has stopped all production of Hummus & Taramasalata with immediate effect. A government spokesman said ' We are very concerned it might turn into a double dip recession'.

[Smiler]

A 25-year-old Jewish girl tells her mum that she has missed her period for 2 months.
Very worried, the mother goes to the local pharmacy and buys a pregnancy test kit. The test confirms that her daughter is pregnant.
Shouting and crying, the mother says, "Who was the selfish b*****d that did this to you? I demand to know!
Without answering, the girl picks up the phone and makes a call. Half an hour later, a Bentley stops in front of their house. A middle-aged and very distinguished man steps out of the car and enters the house.
He sits in the lounge with the father and mother, and tells them, "Your daughter has informed me of the problem. I can't marry her because of my personal family situation but I'll take charge. I will pay all costs and provide for your daughter for the rest of her life."
He continues, "Additionally, if a girl is born I will bequeath two retail furniture stores, a deli, a chateau in France and a £1m bank account."
He continues, "If a boy is born my legacy will be a chain of jewellery stores and a £25m bank account."
"However, if there is a miscarriage I'm not sure what to do. What would you suggest?"
All silent at this point, the mother placed a hand firmly on the man's shoulder and told him
"You'll try again"

[Digimon]

 

[BANDERSNATCH]

I asked my dad for a cowboy outfit for my birthday............So he bought me Tesco.

[optout]

 



John hairnet: 'I have a mandate'

[penguin]

Here is a good joke well it made me laugh, PM came and made a token effort with rumble once and came across a squash as in the vegetable form that someone had dumped in the household section, picks it up and says with a confused look "what is this vile looking thing" I replied "It is a squash" pm "Well there is no need to be cocky it is clearly not a bottle of juice is it" and she walked off in a mood. Glad to see someone who says she wants to be at least a store manager within the next few years is so enlightened on the products we sell.

[mexicopete]

Our Store Manager is Dyslexic and last week he went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

[BANDERSNATCH]

What do you call a group of Tesco managers standing together in a field ?


A thicket.

[Smiler]

I was working in the garden this weekend and my wife was about to take a shower. I realized that I couldn't find the rake.. I yelled up to my wife, "Where is the rake?"
She couldn't hear me and she shouted back, "What?"
I pointed to my eye, and then I pointed to my knee and made a raking motion.
Then my wife wasn't sure and said "What?"
I repeated the gestures.
"Eye - Kneed - The Rake"
My wife replied that she understands and signals back. She first points to her eye, next she points to her left breast, then she points to her backside, and finally to her crotch.
Well, there is no way in hell I could even come close to that one.
Exasperated, I went upstairs and asked her, "What the hell was that"? She replies,"
"Eye - Left Tit - Behind - The Bush" !!!