Joke Thread

[Nomad]

More than one quack in the room 

[Nightmare]

Aylesbury well for you to say, Nomad, were you been pekin? Mind you, eider down the same thing had I thought of it first   

[Anne]

Just to warn people not to join the new Tesco dating website ... my mate at work did and he's ended up with a bag for life.

[Anne]

One day, a mum was cleaning her son's room and in the closet she found a bondage-S&M magazine. This was highly upsetting for her.

She showed it to her husband.

He looked at it and handed it back to her without a word.

She finally asked him, "Well, what should we do about this?"

The dad looked at her and said, "Well whatever you do, don't spank him!"

[foghorn leghorn]

I used to know a constipated mathematician who didn't own a calculator, he worked things out with a pencil.

[Faceandgo]

Bad news for Aston Villa in the African nations cup, Emile Heskey isn't African

[Anne]

In 1872 the Welsh invented the condom using a sheep's bladder.However,in 1873 the English somewhat refined the idea by taking the bladder out of the sheep first

[Nomad]

   Your names not Anne Robinson, is it   

[Anne]

 

[Yin Yang]

The English didn't plan it like that they took them out of the sheep to make them smaller. 

[Anne]

Are you saying English men are less well endowed? My (limited) eperience tells me different. 

[l8r]

Someone's been taking the Minnie then?

[Anne]

 

[Nomad]

The Strolling Rones.

Actually snub nosed monkey, should have gone to spec savers.


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[The Guvnor]

Seeing as Welsh and sheep are being discussed, this made me laugh the other day

Shipwrecked

A Welshman was washed up on a beach after a shipwreck.

Only a sheep and a sheepdog were washed up with him.  After looking around, he realized that they were stranded on a deserted island.

After being there awhile, he got into the habit of taking his two animal companions to the beach every evening to watch the sunset.  One particular evening, the sky was a fiery red with beautiful cirrus clouds, the breeze was warm and gentle - a perfect night for romance..

As they sat there, the sheep started looking better and better to the lonely man. Soon, he leaned over to the sheep and put his arm around it.. But the sheepdog, ever protective of the sheep, growled fiercely until the man took his arm from around the sheep. After that, the three of them continued to enjoy the sunsets together, but there was no more cuddling.

A few weeks passed by and, lo and behold, there was another shipwreck. The only survivor was Ann Widdecombe. That evening, the man brought Ann to the evening beach ritual. It was another beautiful evening - red sky, cirrus clouds, a warm and gentle breeze - perfect for a night of romance. Pretty soon, the man started to get those feelings again.

He fought the urges as long as he could but he finally gave in and leaned over to Ann and told her he hadn't had sex for months. Ann batted her eyelashes and asked if there was anything she could do for him.

He said, 'could you take the dog for a walk?'

[l8r]

" I am treated with respect "

   

[Loki]

Tesco is a great company to work for with the majority of its workforce happy and content in their roles.

[Loki]

Helping hands.

[hugh janus]

Here's a "Heads-Up" for anyone who may be a regular Tesco customer.

Over the last month I became a victim of a clever scam while out shopping. Simply going out to get supplies for home can turn out to be quite traumatic.

*Don't be naive and think it can't happen to you*.

Here's how the scam works:

Two seriously good-looking 18-year-old girls come over to your car while you are packing your shopping in the Boot. They both start wiping your windscreen with a rag, with their breasts almost falling out of their skimpy t-shirts. It is impossible not to look.

When you thank them and offer them a tip, they say 'No' and instead ask you for a ride to another Tesco. You agree and they get in the back seat. On the way, they start making love to each other. Then one of them climbs over into the front seat and (well you probably know the rest), while the other one steals your wallet.

I had my wallet stolen January 24th, 27th, 28th and 30th, February 1st and twice on the 3rd, and very likely again this upcoming weekend.

[wheelspin]

Seen this and all I could think about was Tesco..   

Two Monkeys Were Paid Unequally: Excerpt from Frans de Waal's TED Talk

[Nomad]

Outstanding 

[Small3y]

Just started my Options training

http://imgur.com/zcNRc5D

[wheelspin]

Probably  NSFW and a little gritty but it gave me a giggle, and reminded me of he Tesco everyday brand.

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/business/supermarkets-openly-targeting-tight-b*****ds-2014070988412

[retroragsni]

cant wait to get into work.  its like home from home

[the-vortex]

Nice one @wheelspin