Joke Thread

[Major Dude]

This test only has one question, but it's a very important one. By giving an honest answer, you will discover where you stand morally.

The test features an unlikely, completely fictional situation in which you will have to make a decision.

Remember that your answer needs to be honest, yet spontaneous.

Please scroll down slowly and give due consideration to each line.


THE SITUATION

You are in England, York to be specific.

There is chaos all around you caused by a hurricane with severe flooding.

This is a flood of biblical proportions.

You are a photo-journalist working for a major newspaper, and you're caught in the middle of this epic disaster. The situation is nearly hopeless.

You're trying to shoot career-making photos.

There are houses and people swirling around you, some disappearing into the water.

Nature is unleashing all its destructive fury.

THE TEST

Suddenly, you see a man in the water.

He is fighting for his life, trying not to be taken down with the debris.

You move closer... Somehow, the man looks familiar...
You suddenly realise who it is... It's Gordon Brown! You notice that the raging waters are about to take him under forever. You have two options:

You can save the life of Gordon Brown or you can shoot a dramatic Pulitzer Prize-winning photo, documenting the death of one of the country's most powerful men!

THE QUESTION

Here's the question, and please give an honest answer...


Would you select high contrast colour film, or would you go with the classic simplicity of black and white?

[MAGNERS]

Black and white!

[masked avenger]

man at hotel reception desk turns round and accidently elbows a woman beside him in her t*ts. they are both startled. he says "madam, if your heart is as soft as your breast, i know you will forgive me" she replies "if your d**k is as hard as your elbow, i'm in room 214"

[Faceandgo]

    2 Scousers are riding along the M62 from Manchester to Liverpool on a
    motorbike. They break down and start hitching a lift. A friendly trucker
    stops to see if he can help and the scousers ask him for a lift. He tells
    them he has no room in the wagon as he is carrying 20,000
    bowling balls but will take a look at the bike for them.

    He tries everything he knows but is unable to repair it. Time is getting on
    now and he's late for his delivery so he tells the scousers he has to leave.
    "R hey lad" they say "gissa lift". The trucker once again explains that he
    has no room as he is carrying 20,000 bowling balls. The scousers put it to
    the driver that if they can manage to fit in the back will he take them and
    he agrees.

    They manage to squeeze themselves and their motorbike into the back of the
    wagon so the driver shuts the doors and gets off on his way. By this time he
    is really late and so puts his foot down. Sure enough PC Plod of Greater
    Manchester Police pulls him up for speeding. The good officer asks the
    driver what he is carrying to which he replies Scouse Eggs. The policeman
    obviously doesn't believe this so wants to take a look. He opens the back
    door and quickly shuts it and locks it. He gets onto his radio and calls for
    immediate backup from as many officers as possible.

    The dispatcher asks what emergency he has that requires so many officers.
    "I've got a wagon with 20,000 Scouse eggs in it - 2 have already hatched and
    the b*****ds have managed to nick a motorbike already".   

[masked avenger]

girl says to paddy...."would you like a blow job?" paddy say "i don't know would it affect my dole money?"

[masked avenger]

imagine if retailers started making their own condoms and kept their own name.

Tesco condoms
every little helps

Nike condoms
just do it

Peugeot condoms
the ride of your life

kfc condoms
finger likin good

Duracell condoms
just keep going and going and going

pringle condoms
once you pop you cant stop

burger king condoms
home of the whopper

andrex condoms
soft strong and very long

McDonald's condons
I'm loving it

polo condoms
the one with the hole
OH F**K

[Klobasa]

NEWS FLASH......A MAN WHO ATTEMPTED TO SWIM THE ENGLISH CHANNEL, WITHOUT USEING HIS ARMS OR LEGS,GAVE UP AFTER 100 MTRS, WHEN HE GOT CRAMP IN HIS EARS..

[Eddie Clarke]

A feminist visited Kabul just after the invasion and is not pleased to find that women are forced to walk 5 paces behind the men. She returned the following year and was delighted to find that the women now walked 5 paces in front of the men. She asked her interpreter why this should be. "Landmines".

[redstar]

my xmas tree is unwell :-(

not sure if it`s pine-flu or tinsellitus ...?

[masked avenger]

driving past a field this morning and saw a scarecrow trying to have a w**k thought to myself that silly b******ds clutching at straws

[Klobasa]

 two Glasgow nuns are driving along the road one day,when Satan appeared and jumped onto the bonnet of the car,one says, "QUICK SISTER, SHOW HIM YOUR CROSS " the other sister puts her head out the window and shouted,"F@#K OFF YA pr**k".

[masked avenger]

winter is here and our native birds are finding food scarce. please go to the pet shop and buy a bag of nuts for our feathered friends.
there is no finer sight on a winters morning than a pair of tits around your nut sack. however remember its a bit early in the year to expect a swallow!

[Klobasa]

two rabbits are being chased across a field by a pack of foxes,one says to the other," c,Mon,we"ll flee down the nearest hole,wait a few months,then come out and surround the buggers"...the other rabbit replies," no..just keep running,I"M YOUR BROTHER".

[The Mrs]

A new priest at his first mass was so nervous he could hardly speak. After mass he asked the monsignor how he had done.

The monsignor replied, 'When I am worried about getting nervous on the pulpit, I put a glass of vodka next to the water glass. If I start to get nervous, I take a sip.'

So next Sunday he took the monsignor's advice. At the beginning of the sermon, he got nervous and took a drink. He proceeded to talk up a storm. Upon his return to his office after the mass, he found the following note on the door:

1) Sip the vodka, don't gulp.

2) There are 10 commandments, not 12.

3) There are 12 disciples, not 10.

4) Jesus was consecrated, not constipated.

5) Jacob wagered his donkey, he did not bet his ass.

6) We do not refer to Jesus Christ as the late J.C.

7) The Father, Son, and Holy Ghost are not referred to as Daddy, Junior and the spook.

8] David slew Goliath; he did not kick the s*** out of him.

9) When David was hit by a rock and was knocked off his donkey, don't say he was stoned off his ass.

10) We do not refer to the cross as the 'Big T.'

11) When Jesus broke the bread at the last supper he said, 'Take this and eat it for it is my body.' He did not say 'Eat me'.

12) The Virgin Mary is not called 'Mary with the Cherry'.

13) The recommended grace before a meal is not: Rub-A-Dub-Dub thanks for the grub, Yeah God.

14) Next Sunday there will be a taffy pulling contest at St. Peter's not a peter pulling
contest at St. Taffy's

[Mr Happy]

British airways have stopped flying into Manchester,because of the ash cloud.Not from the volcano,Someone has just dusted Man utds trophy cabinet.

[Anne]

ROFL! And sooo true

[Faceandgo]

Excerpts from an Airline Ticket Agent
An airport ticket agency offers some examples of 'why' our country is in trouble! 

1. I had a New Hampshire Congresswoman (Carol Shea-Porter) ask for an aisle seat so that her hair wouldn't get messed up by being near the window. (On an airplane!) 
 
2. I got a call from a Kansas Congressman's (Moore) staffer (Howard Bauleke), who wanted to go to Capetown. I started to explain the length of the flight and the passport information, and then he interrupted me with, ''I'm not trying to make you look stupid, but Capetown is in  Massachusetts .''

Without trying to make him look stupid, I calmly explained, ''Cape Cod is in  Massachusetts , Capetown is in  Africa '' his response -- click. 
 
3. A senior Vermont Congressman (Bernie Sanders) called, furious about a  Florida package we did. I asked what was wrong with the vacation in Orlando . He said he was expecting an ocean-view room. I tried to explain that's not possible, since  Orlando is in the middle of the state.

He replied, 'don't lie to me, I looked on the map and  Florida is a very thin state!'' (OMG) 
 
4. I got a call from a lawmaker's wife (Landra Reid) who asked, ''Is it possible to see  England from  Canada ?''

I said, ''No.''

She said, ''But they look so close on the map.'' (OMG, again!)

 
5. An aide for a cabinet member(Janet Napolitano) once called and asked if he could rent a car in  Dallas . I pulled up the reservation and noticed he had only a 1-hour layover in  Dallas . When I asked him why he wanted to rent a car, he said, ''I heard  Dallas was a big airport, and we will need a car to drive between gates to save time.'' (Aghhhh) 
 
6. An Illinois Congresswoman (Jan Schakowsky)  called last week. She needed to know how it was possible that her flight from  Detroit left at 8:30 a.m., and got to  Chicago at 8:33 a.m.

I explained that  Michigan was an hour ahead of  Illinois , but she couldn't understand the concept of time zones. Finally, I told her the plane went fast, and she bought that. 
 
7. A  New York lawmaker, (Jerrold Nadler) called and asked, ''Do airlines put your physical description on your bag so they know whose luggage belongs to whom?'' I said, 'No, why do you ask?'

he replied, ''Well, when I checked in with the airline, they put a tag on my luggage that said (FAT), and I'm overweight. I think that's very rude!''

After putting him on hold for a minute, while I looked into it. (I was dying laughing). I came back and explained the city code for  Fresno , Ca. is (FAT - Fresno Air Terminal), and the airline was just putting a destination tag on his luggage. 
 
8.  A Senator John Kerry aide (Lindsay Ross) called to inquire about a trip package to  Hawaii . After going over all the cost info, she asked, ''Would it be cheaper to fly to  California and then take the train to  Hawaii ?'' 
 
9. I just got off the phone with a freshman Congressman, Bobby Bright (D) from  Ala who asked, ''How do I know which plane to get on?''

I asked him what exactly he meant, to which he replied, ''I was told my flight number is 823, but none of these planes have numbers on them.'' 
 
10. Senator Dianne Feinstein (D) called and said, ''I need to fly to  Pepsi-Cola ,  Florida .. Do I have to get on one of those little computer planes?''

I asked if she meant fly to  Pensacola ,  FL on a commuter plane.

She said, ''Yeah, whatever, smarty!'' 
 
11. Mary Landrieu (D) La. Senator called and had a question about the documents she needed in order to fly to  China . After a lengthy discussion about passports, I reminded her that she needed a visa. 'Oh, no I don't. I've been to  China many times and never had to have one of those.''

I double checked and sure enough, her stay required a visa. When I told her this she said, ''Look, I've been to  China four times and every time they have accepted my American Express!'' 
 
12. A New Jersey Congressman (John Adler) called to make reservations, ''I want to go from  Chicago to Rhino,  New York ..''

I was at a loss for words. Finally, I said, ''Are you sure that's the name of the town?''

'Yes, what flights do you have?'' replied the man.

After some searching, I came back with, ''I'm sorry, sir, I've looked up every airport code in the country and can't find a rhino anywhere."

''The man retorted, ''Oh, don't be silly! Everyone knows where it is. Check your map!''

So I scoured a map of the state of  New York and finally offered, ''You don't mean  Buffalo , do you?''

The reply? ''Whatever! I knew it was a big animal.''






Now you know why the Government is in the shape that it's in!
 
YES, THEY WALK AMONG US, ARE IN POLITICS, AND THEY CONTINUE TO BREED. 
 
I don't write it, I just offer it for your consideration.
Like manure, you just gotta spread it around.

[Jaycloth]

I guess most of you know that David & Ed Milliband are vying for leader of the Labour Party. But they've just found a long lost brother......Glenn Milliband! 

[seeitall]

Man cutting his grass accidently runs over his cat and severs its tail so they rush cat and tail over to Tesco why Tesco you ask,  Hello its the biggest retailer in the uk

[JCZY]

why did the baker have brown fingers? He kneaded a poo

[Eddie Clarke]

What do Rob Green & ITV HD have in common?

The ability to switch off at the crucial moment.

Steven Gerrard said after the match 'the whole team's behind Rob'.

On reflection the right place to be.

That's one spillage the Yanks won't be whining about.

Kermit was right, it ain't easy being green.

My PC's get Green virus. It won't save a thing.

[bloodhound]

What's the difference between the England team and a tea bag?


The tea bag stays in the cup longer.

[Jaycloth]

Man walks into WH Smiths and says to the young girl at the counter..." Do you have the self help book, for men with very small penis'?" "I don't think it's in yet!" she replies  "Yes, that's the one!"

[trigger]

 

[billybong]

Golf Balls

A man entered the bus with both of his front pockets full of golf balls and sat down next to a beautiful (you guessed it) blonde.

The puzzled blonde kept looking at him and his bulging pockets.   

Finally, after many such glances from her, he said, "Its golf balls."
 
Nevertheless, the blonde continued to look at him for a very long time, deeply thinking about what he had said.   
 
After several minutes, not being able to contain her curiosity any longer, she asked,

"Does it hurt as much as tennis elbow ?"